I'm worried. Not just right now, not just in this season of life, but all the time. I am constantly worried. I'm even worried when I have periods where I'm not worried, because I know that a storm will come soon enough. One of my greatest strengths is my ability to swallow my pride and hide behind closed doors. I don't like to admit my struggles to anyone, but I struggle hard. I struggle with anxiety. I am flawed, and I know that well.
When I say that I struggle with anxiety, I don't just get worried when I have a test or presentation to do. When someone embarrasses me, I think about it for at least a month before I can forgive myself for whatever the flaw. When I hurt someones feelings, intentional or not, I think about my actions and the consequences I deserve every night for at least 2 weeks. When I am late or in a rush, my heart races at a thousand beats per minute and I get tears in my eyes because I cannot stand the thought of letting someone down or ruining something that I know I could have fixed. I am flawed, and I know that well.
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I can't stand the thought of someone else's mouth being on my straw, so when a friend takes a sip of my drink without asking, I am secretly raging inside and wishing for another drink. I absolutely have to sleep with a fan on at night, and the dark scares me. I turn the light on and off three times each night to make sure I am alone in my room. I'm too childlike in this way. I'm too careful. I am flawed, and I know that well.
My anxiety consumes me. It prohibits me from living a life full of adventure and wonder. I know that. So why don't I just fix it? They have medications for people who struggle with anxiety the way I do. I'm a pill away from being worry free. And that's the problem with the world. I'm so tired of the world thinking that we're just a pill away from fixing everyone's problems. Too many people say to me, "You'll feel better if you just take the medicine." But will I? Will a pill for my anxiety remind me that I'm loved? Will a pill for anxiety remind me that I have value? Will a pill for anxiety allow me to repress memories from making choices I regret? I don't think a pill will fix those things. I will still have problems. I will still get anxious before I go into a setting with a large group of people. I will still get anxious when I know I have messed up and am too hard on myself. I am flawed, and I know that well.
I don't want the easy way out. I know that I am flawed and that I have far too many worries. A pill may sooth my symptoms, but it will not change the fact that I am an obsessive, compulsive, secretly sensitive girl who finds comfort in hiding. A pill will give me an easier way out, and I don't want that. I want to find comfort in my God who will force me out of hiding. I want to find comfort in my God who tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I want to find comfort in my God who tells me that I am loved and protected. I want to find comfort in my God who tells me DO NOT be anxious. I am flawed, and I know that well.
Today, I was late for babysitting, I realized I threw away an important invitation, and I realized that I had made two big commitments on the same day. For "normal" people, this would bother them for a few hours. I will not sleep well tonight, and I will not feel good tomorrow. And that will have to be okay. I messed up, and that happens. I mess up. I am flawed, and I know that well. But I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a creator who sees me as a sinner, but also as a strong woman of Christ who is loved and renowned perfect in His image. I will not let my anxiety stray me from that.
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" - Matthew 6:26
