This is a short story written by Kady McKean, a student at DePauw University.

Dan's was the bar all the college students hung out at, probably because they had the best deals on drinks every night of the week. I only go there every so often when I need a night of fun, the kind of fun that involves a pitcher of beer and a whiskey glass. "Sink the biz" is my favorite bar game to play. Tonight was the night I ended an era, that era being a year and a half long relationship with the first guy I had ever dated past a month.

I'm Sam, not in a sorority, not the girl who everyone knows at parties, not the girl who easily attracts men. I'm Sam, the girl who goes to the bar with three friends but hopes she can find more excitement and perhaps a fellow to compliment her new tank top. The tank top is white with just enough lace to make a man pay attention. I have a quiet disposition that goes along with my average brown-hair-brown-eye look, but tonight I want to find someone who will help me get over Tom.

My friends and I need another round of drinks so I make my way to the bar.

"Hey, how are you tonight?"

I turn and see him. Blonde hair, light blue eyes, and a blue button-down. His greeting was not happy but I could tell he was putting some effort in to getting my attention, so I respond.

"I'm about to have another drink so I'm great!"

"Could I buy you that drink then?"

I am racking my mind trying to remember who this was. I have seen him around and my friends have pointed him out for some reason, what was it? He saw the blank stare on my face and followed with,

"My name is Ryan. I'm a Delta Chi"

That was it! He is going into a title IX hearing tomorrow.

"Maybe I should just go back to my friends. I told them I am going back," I reply.

"I saw the look in your eyes, you know about me right?"

"Some people have told me about what you are accused of, yes."

In my own head, I knew I sounded standoff-ish and formal, but he does not even react to it.

"Go back to your friends then."

I'm now walking back but I cannot get the look out of my head. Ryan looked defeated, and I want to know why. Obviously, if I had been caught raping someone I would be devastated, too, but his eyes told a different story, like in his head he was so entirely done with the world, that nothing was making sense to him. So I quickly finish my drink, and looking back this wasn't the best idea because now I'm tipsy and ready to let loose on this guy.

You should know I have a history with sexual assault so that's why this breakup was so hard; my ex-boyfriend was my champion. I was raped right before I moved to college. It wasn't the rape scene you see in movies or hear about in survivor stories. My best friend raped me, he knew I did not want to have sex that night or anytime in the near future, but he did not care enough for me to stop. Tom saved me; when I finally told him what happened to me he made me realize it wasn't my fault and I could move on. Tom never asked me to have sex with him. We dated for four months before I was ready and he never complained. Losing your hero is hard, but somehow we fell out of love. Tom got me to tell my story and now that is what I do, I will never be able to repay him for the bravery he inspired in me. I am a member of the club who promotes sexual assault awareness on campus and I share my story and support others so they can have a hero too.

I stand up, because he's going to get a piece of my mind.

"Ryan, right? I'm Sam, so tell me, do you feel bad about what you did to that girl?"

"Everyone thinks they know what happened."

"Well, I hope tomorrow the Title IX committee makes you wish you had never spoke to her."

"Do you want to know the real story before you yell at me more?"

"I'm not yelling, but yes."

"I was at my house in the bathroom and this girl ran in, obviously blacked out of her mind but she is crying so obviously I helped her. All good right?"

"You make it sound good."

"Well, the girl never said anything to me she just looked at me and cried more and I called her a cab to take her home. Next day she says a guy raped her at this party and described me. I guess when she came out of her blackout she saw me and I had grabbed her arm to ask if she was ok and she assumed I was the one with her."

"It sounds odd she only remembered you."

"Now I am going to the committee and telling my story but they will think the same thing as you, I just hope they do something for this girl."

I noticed a change in his voice as he spoke, he is defensive about the situation, just like anyone would be the night before getting kicked off campus or sent to court. The last sentence sounded desperate.

"What do you mean, do something for this girl?"

"Our school doesn't do shit for rape cases, they think it's always the girl's fault. You were too drunk, your dress was too short, you were getting naked, what was he supposed to think? I just don't get it how you can be so cruel to someone who has gone through rape."

I am shocked. This muscular guy, wearing the typical fraternity button down and khaki shorts, is telling me he thinks victim blaming is absurd. This is amazing but also terrible, since he is accused of rape. I can't just believe that he did not do it. At this point, I think my mouth is hung open so wide Ryan thinks I'm trying to catch flies, but I cannot compose a sentence.

"What's your last name?", he asks me.

"Sam Oliver"

"I read your article in the school paper, the one about how sexual assault victims have no support on college campuses and it was really amazing. I see you doing sexual assault awareness stuff on campus all the time."

"You never joined, though."

"I never knew it was such an issue for me until my friend was raped."

Another survivor. I know a lot of them because that is my circle but it's heart wrenching to know how many people personally know survivors and how many people rape can affect. Ryan is now being affected from both sides. I need to know more about this man, but the odd thing is that he is my type, the kind of masculine guy with truthful eyes (my mom always tells me I have liars eyes because they are so dark, only trust someone with blue eyes) that I would try to pick up in a bar. I can't be attracted to him, though, he's accused of sexual assault and he knows how I feel about the subject, but he feels the same way right?

"Sam! Get back over here, Kat just sank it for the sixth time! Now that is how you get over a breakup."

I turn back to Ryan. "Those are my friends trying to use alcohol to solve my problems."

Ryan turns and looks over his shoulder to the group of my three roommates passing around pitchers of beer. They would have been embarrassing, but it's a Tuesday night and not many people were still at Dan's, just a few other fraternity guys at one end of the bar huddled around a table playing a bar game I didn't recognize, and a few smaller groups like mine but not nearly as rowdy. The girls had begun to have enough, and I am not the only one beginning to notice their giggling voices and swaying statures. I notice him smile a bit, just a coy little smile.

"You should go back to them, I'm just a sad guy sitting here alone not helping you get over whatever his name was."

"Tom, sorry you said whatever his name is, his name is Tom, was Tom? Well, he's not dead so I guess he still is Tom."

There is no reason for me to stay here since I have the new pitcher of Bud Light I ordered and they are waiting on me. But as soon as I go to hop off the red worn leather stool, I pause.

"I have been drinking a little bit tonight, but I want to talk to you more."

Ryan looks at me and gives another coy smile,

"I will be here until you come for the next pitcher."

I run back over to my roommates, at this point, it is 11:30 p.m. and I know they have class tomorrow. I tell them to go home and get some rest but I'm going to stay a bit longer. Most agreed and started walking but Lilly stops me,

"Sam, he is trouble, don't go back to him"

She is talking about Ryan. I only knew because drunk Lilly was oh so sneakily pointing not only her finger toward Ryan but her whole damn arm was stretched out on display.

"Don't worry Lilly, I am not as drunk as you and I want to go for the hot brunette anyway."

Less drunk me, rather than pointing, makes a subtle nod to a brunette guy sitting at the end of the bar that I had not taken a lot of notice of but I gave a second look to before Ryan grabbed my attention. This pleases Lilly so she skips a little to catch up with the other girls on their way out. I head back to the bar that is not practically empty except the bartender wiping down the bottle cap-decorated counter top, he was reorganizing his bottles of vodka to go from the cheapest plastic bottle all the way up to Grey Goose. Ryan is still there, so I asked,

"Do you want to buy me a drink now?"

"I guess since I offered earlier I can."

"I know I was a bit aggressive earlier but if you want to talk about your friend who is a survivor or your situation, I'm here to listen."

I think that came out well considering I am feeling those pitchers quite a bit while sitting on this tipsy barstool.

"I just wish I had someone who understood and trusted that I'm telling the truth but at the same time I want the university to get their shit together and protect victims. When my friend was raped she had just moved into her freshman dorm and she dropped out of school a week later because the university blamed her and didn't care she was in a class with her rapist."

"The school needs to be better and do something but not to you if you didn't do it."

"Do you think I did it?"

I don't know what to believe at this point, my head is spinning, half from the alcohol kicking in and half from my internal fight about trusting someone who could be the cause of so much pain and anxiety. He seems nice, that's what anyone would say, dresses good and plays the part, but is he?

"I think you have had a hard time from all this," I murmur.

"The only thing that would make this better is if I had someone who believed me and knew I am on the right side of fighting rape culture."

"You are on the right side, I think I believe you."

We talk for another half hour till the bartender tells us he is closing and we need to find a new place to talk. Ryan looks at me, it's the truthful light eyes as he gives me an up and down, he hadn't checked me out until just this moment. What did that mean? He is bigger than me and would scare me if I encountered him in a dark street. Do I trust this man?

"Would you want to come to my house and keep talking or do you need to get home?"

"My roommates will probably worry if I don't get home soon."

"I'll walk you then."

We walk the two blocks to my house and the whole time I silently think in my head that he needs someone to support him too. Quickly we make it to my front porch,

"Do you want to come in?"

"Only if you are sure you want a guy like me in your house."

"Yes."

Sitting on my living room couch we just talk more and more about his meeting tomorrow morning and how worried he was if they would do something to him or not. My roommates had all gone to sleep so it's just the two of us on the big sofa surrounded by the tossed shoes and jackets my roommates had left on the floor making their way upstairs to the bedrooms. Only one lamp works and it was dark in the room; in any other situation, I would have said it is perfectly romantic. I am worried as I stare at his soft jaw line. I love smiles on men and the best smiles come from a soft jaw line that doesn't make a big deal about itself. My eyes wander up to his lips, I'm not listening to the words coming out of them now. The room is muted, his lips are chapped, some on the bottom but move in a rhythm like he is singing a sweet love song. How is he so attractive to me? This can't just be me getting over Tom. This seems so real.

"Sam, I said do you want me to leave, you look tired."

"You look comfortable right where you're at."

By now it's 12:30 p.m., which is past my normal weekday bedtime, but I feel the need to keep talking to him. He's a history major, the same as me, and had been telling me about the War of 1812. Ryan was not a true American because he actually knew what the war was about and why we fought it, me being full blooded American had no idea and had asked him to explain.

"Sam, I should go before one of your roommates comes down or something."

"Why?"

"So they don't think something bad is going to happen to you since you are with me."

He stands up, I follow. He heads toward the door but I turn him around by grabbing his hand and lead him toward the staircase.