Today, I had a bad day. Not a bad day like I spilled coffee on my shirt or I locked my keys in my car, bad day. A bad day like where I felt I shouldn’t be on this earth, bad day.
And let me tell you something: it wasn’t the first bad day and it sure as hell won’t be the last, no matter how much I wish differently.
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Depression and anxiety. Two things that follow me around like a shadow on a sunny day. Actually, that’s literally what they are like. The dark parts of the otherwise bright days. But I’m here to tell you something else: I live for those positives no matter how negative my mind wants to be.
My family, friends, colleagues and hell, the random people on campus that smile at me are the reason that I continue to push through the bad days. I know it will get better. But want to know something else? I don’t need to hear it from you that it will get better. That does not help me. All that does is frustrate me more.
“It gets better.” A phrase that I hear from people all the time that have no idea what I’m going through, how I’m feeling, or what the thoughts are inside my head.
I will admit that I am an extremely self-aware individual. I know that my thoughts and feelings are unjustified and downright crazy sometimes. My depression and anxiety, however, don’t care. They will continue to take control until they feel like giving it back to me again.
Believe me when I say that I understand I will not feel sad forever. It’s not even that. Because sad isn’t the right word to describe it. It’s more like defeated. Like my entire being has given up and it takes every ounce of willpower that I can muster to take another breath. I am strong. I am determined.
I know it will get better. I don’t need you to tell me that.
Instead, tell me a thought-provoking story. Tell me your favorite quote and why it became to be so. Tell me your deepest fear. Tell me anything to get my brain to focus on something bigger than the darkness that is creeping in.
I know that you are trying to help me, but when you simply throw out words and phrases that you think are supposed to make a positive impact, you’re doing nothing but reminding me that I’m not “better” right in this moment. And I don’t need another reminder of that.
My depression and anxiety don’t define me. I am an awesome human being 110% of the time and I am going to make sure that I make a difference during my time on this wonderful earth. I am going to have bad days. But for every bad day, there are (fingers crossed) weeks and months full of amazing days.
Don’t tell me it gets better. I already know that. I’m living it.
