It all started at summer camp. 300 people having fun outside at an event called “carnival,” dancing to music and playing games while wearing ridiculous costumes and eating pizza and popsicles. Suddenly, as “Summer Girls” ends, a new song blasts over the speakers. “This time, we’re gonna get funky…” Everyone around me instantly starts dancing the same dance, scrambling to arrange themselves into lines. What was this? What was I supposed to do? Where was I supposed to go? I desperately want to ask someone for help, but all of my friends have succumbed to the power of the dance, leaving me lost in a sea of people all hopping on one foot and sliding to the left and right at the same time. After observing the scene for a few moments, I realize – these people are following the instructions of the song. I decide to attempt to join in. “Okay, this isn’t too difficult, just slide to the right whenever the song says, ‘Slide to the right,’ I can handle this…Wait, ‘cha cha real smooth’? ‘Turn it out?’ What does that mean? Why am I facing the opposite direction of everyone else? What am I supposed to do here?” I finally learn that the only way to survive this is to just copy the actions of everyone around me, watching carefully yet falling a beat behind. When I finally feel like I’ve mastered sliding to the left, sliding to the right, putting my hands on my knees, and clapping my hands as the song instructs me to, “Cha Cha Slide” ends. I breathe a sigh of relief as I am finally free from obeying the power of the song and can go back to disco pointing and framing my face.
Unfortunately for me, every year at camp during carnival this song would come on the speakers, and I would have no choice but to dance along. I learned to just meander over to the water fountain or get another slice of pizza during this song to avoid participating. However, during the summer of 2007, I was completely caught off guard as “Everytime We Touch” faded away and I heard the words, “Down, down, do your dance, do your dance…” come over the speakers. I was faced with a brand new horror. Once again, my friends and fellow campers were arranging themselves into lines and following the demands of the song. Stepping to the left and right, kicking their feet – it was all just too much. I came to the sad realization that of course “Cha Cha Slide” was not the only song out there that told you what to do. “The Cupid Shuffle” was just the next popular song that I would have to encounter with a dance everyone but me seemed to know.
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Over the course of my life, I encountered many more songs like this, and my experience is always the same. I first heard “Crank That Soulja Boy” at a middle school dance, and realized that no matter how hard I attempted to follow along, I was not able to successfully do this dance. I was forced to learn Miley Cyrus’ “Hoedown Throwdown” for a choir performance my sophomore year of high school. However, this did not in any way help me, as no one voluntarily played this song, so I never had the chance to show off my mastery of this dance. Since then, I’ve attempted to avoid “Stanky Legg,” “Walk It Out,” “Wop,” “Wobble,” “Teach Me How To Dougie,” and “Gas Pedal,” to name a few.
I’ve never enjoyed any song with dance instructions for lyrics. I will say that I thoroughly enjoy the Macarena, but that is a totally different category. The Spanish dance song does not tell you what to do; the lyrics are about a girl named “Macarena.” Sure, whenever this song plays there is pressure to do the dance that everyone knows, and you would look idiotic if you attempted any other dance, but the arm movements are so simple and even fun that I’m okay with it.
I’ve never encountered anyone else who takes issue with songs that tell you what to do as strongly as I do. It’s probably because I simply cannot dance at all, and I always feel lost and left out, annoyed that there are certain moves I must follow and I can’t just do my own thing. My current struggle is avoiding ever having to learn how to "whip/nae nae." Just let me disco point in peace.
