I’m a freshman in college, and I don’t know where to call home. I was born in Kansas, and I’ve lived there for most my life, except for spending a year in Alabama when I was a baby. My family is still in Kansas and everything I’ve ever known growing up in based there.

By the end of the first semester of my senior year, I knew for sure where I was going to college and I was content with that. I didn’t truly appreciate the time I had left in high school and kept wishing for senior year to fly by so that I could move away from home and start my own adventure. There’s nothing wrong with a wish like that, but I now look back on it and wonder why I wished to be so far away from home so soon.

I now live 13 hours away from home. The home where my family lives and the home where I spent the last 18 years of my life. But at the same time, I’m home here at Saint Mary’s. I have a great roommate and an amazing group of friends that I am constantly with. I go to class every day and when I’m done, crave nothing more than to go back “home” and relax in my dorm room with my friends. McCandless Hall is a temporary home for me, but it feels like so much more.

So far this year, I’ve only been able to go back to Kansas for fall break. A whole week in my hometown with my family and friends. But when I crossed that border into the city limits of Wichita, I didn’t feel at home. I felt like a stranger. I pulled into my driveway and barely recognized my own house. I spent most of the week home alone as my two brothers went to school, my parents worked, and my friends went to class at their colleges two or three hours away. I was literally at home, but I still didn’t feel like it.

When my time in Kansas ended and my dad drove me back to campus, I began to understand my confusion. I came to the conclusion that I may not feel at home for a while. I’m my parent’s 19-year-old daughter and oldest child, still dependent on them, still living in their home when I’m not at school. I’m also a 19-year-old college student, living on my own for the first time, making my own experiences and connections in the real world. My world is changing rapidly before my eyes and uncertainty comes with the territory of growing up. I know that I probably won’t feel completely at home until I graduate and make my own life for myself, but until then I have a wonderful family and great friends who I know will have my back through it all.