Have you ever been in a room full of friends but still feel alone? Have you ever wanted to cry because you do not know how to express your feelings? Have you ever felt like giving up because you feel like there’s nothing left? This feeling can be so shitty, but right now that is where I am.
I’ve been in this position for awhile where I ended up caring so much about someone. I would stop what I was doing just to help them. I would give them anything they ever needed. Even if that meant getting nothing in return.
I’ve told myself constantly that I do not care what happens to them. But if anything bad ever happened to them, I would be devastated. I’ve told myself that I deserve so much better. But I compare everyone to him. I’ve been telling myself that I am over you. But when I see you, I still get butterflies and smile like an idiot.
You see, no matter how much I tell myself I’m done with us... I truly am not. He left such an impact on my life. He changed me for the better and also for the worst. He shaped me to be the person I am today.
He made me realize flaws about myself that I never saw. He made me see that I have a lot more to learn. He made me realize that I am not as strong as I thought I was.
You broke me but I needed that. You changed so much about me in the short amount of time I knew you. You made me see the beauty in life honestly.
Even though I want to hate you, I can’t. You cared about me. You made me laugh. You put so much happiness into my life. You were my safe place when I feel like I had nowhere else to go.
Not only did you mean so much to me but you were my friend. We connected so fast and honestly fast enough to scare me. You understood me in ways I never thought possible. Just by some looks on your face, I knew what you were thinking and by looks on mine, you could tell what I was thinking.
We ended things very rocky, honestly. I would do anything for you, even if that meant letting you go. Part of me hopes that we will reconnect and the other part of me knows we needed this. I just want the best for you, even if that means I am not the best for you.
I’ve talked with my friends about you so much, probably to the point where they get annoyed when I mention your name. Some want me to never speak to you again and others say anything is possible. I honestly don’t know what to believe. I’d rather have you as a friend than nothing.
There is so much that was left unspoken. We really didn’t even try to have that conversation, we just acted like nothing ever happened. Almost like we are just strangers, just with memories.
It feels like there is a connection but neither of us know what to do. We are just going through life like what we had meant nothing. Even though it hurts, I’m glad I had you in my life.
It is said that if people are meant to be, then they will be. I have also heard that people need to grow while apart to grow back together. I am not saying that this will happen with us and I am not going to have these stored in the back of my mind.
Just know that no matter what, I am always here for you.
