I've been hurt, bruised, and broken many times in my life. Thanks to ex-boyfriends and ex-friends, it's definitely not uncharted territory to me. Some I have forgiven, but some I never will.
And that's OK.
When you're hurt by someone you once cared for, it feels as if there's a very specific period of time you're allowed to actually experience that pain before you're supposed to move on. Hundreds of self-care and positivity gurus preach to forgive those who have wronged you, that in forgiveness, you'll grow as a person.
Well, I think that's bullshit.
There was a time in my life where my depression was the worst it had ever been. I pretty much only left my bed to go to work and shower. I never went to my classes and inevitably failed over half of them. My GPA tanked. I self-harmed. My friends ostracized me, and I think that's one of the things that hurt me the most during that time. I felt like I had basically no one, not even the people who once mattered most to me.
I was shamed for being depressed, for self-harming. For not doing what those "friends" wanted me to do, for not coping the way they wanted me to. I was screamed at. I was embarrassed. I became an outcast, shunned by everyone that associated with the people who were once my friends.
It really, really hurt.
I was guilty of not doing anything to better myself, yes, but I felt immobilized. No one seemed to grasp that. Instead, my depression became something that just brought everyone around me down. I was like a disease to them.
Will I ever forgive those people? Absolutely fucking not.
It's not easy being friends with someone who is depressed, let alone as depressed as I was during this time in my life. I understand that. But there are certain things that you just don't do, and I won't let anyone make me feel like the way they treated me was my fault. I won't forgive them, especially when they haven't apologized.
Maybe I won't ever "move on" from the hurt I felt then, but I honestly don't really want to. I'm tired of everyone saying to forgive the people who hurt me because "if anything, do it for you." I don't want to ever forget the way they treated me when I was at my lowest, the way they made me feel when I was already hurting so, so much. A person's actions speak volumes about them, and it took me wanting to die to learn that my best friends were just temporary.
So no, I won't forgive them, and it's OK that I don't want to. Forgiveness shouldn't be treated lightly and it should only be used when it's deserved. Some hurtful actions are just too much to forgive.
