I just wanted to say…I don’t have a plan for my life and for once, I am okay with that. My entire life has been nothing but a heap of trying to figure what comes next and a series of making plans and making sure that I am on the right path. For most of my life, I have been on plan and I have been on schedule, but there comes a time when the schedule becomes mundane and you realize that the biggest irony is the fact that you never really had a plan to begin with, and that is the scary part.

Growing up I was known as “The Golden Child”, this is not to toot my own horn or even down play my sister’s accomplishments in any way, but it’s the truth. I was the child that was held to the highest standard of achievement. I had to excel in anything and everything; there was no room for failure. In a way I am glad I lived like this because being held to high a standard has taught me very valuable lessons that I still hold dear in life.

Being at the highest standard meant that I had to make sure I was on track. I knew from the beginning that I would finish high school, find a career, study that career in college, get my masters in my degree, then find a job, find a wife (before embracing the rainbow), have children, settle down, and die alone. That was the plan and the only plan.

Suddenly I was at the end of high school and I realized that I had zero idea on what I wanted in a career. I remember having many ideas on what I wanted to do but nothing really struck. I remember thinking of pursuing acting, get the degree and move to New York City and follow my dreams. I was excited for this plan and I had a plan and that’s all I needed. But the more I told people, the looks they gave me was Earth shaking. I remember telling some of my many family members of my plan, many were always on my side and loved my dream, but some did not approve.

Approval was everything for me, and I realized that maybe I didn’t decide correctly. I realized that the plan I had was not a very wise one, so I decided to make an “adult decision” and choose a different plan that was reasonable. So what did I decide to do? I decided if I couldn’t be an actor, then I could teach the subject. It would be the best of both worlds and I could actually get a job at the end of the day.

Telling this plan seemed to strike everyone’s attention and I got approval on all levels, so I felt like I was in the clear. So my new plan was to get my Bachelors in Theatre Education, move to Texas, go to Texas Tech, get my Masters in Theatre Education, teach for a couple of years and then just go back to get my Doctrine and be happy forever and ever.

Time started to pass and I realized I truly wasn’t happy at all. I was following the plan and I had and it was a concrete plan, but at the end of the day I felt lost. Ironic that being on a set path and the entire time you’re feeling like you are more lost than Tom Hanks in Cast Away. I was constantly sad because I felt like I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do in life, and to be honest I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life. I knew I wanted to act, I knew I wanted to at least try to become an actor, but it didn’t fit my path and my plan, so how do I incorporate it?

I remember sitting in class after class learning about education and how to teach and feeling like I was surrounded by a group of people and I was not a part of anything or anyone. I was so lost and I didn’t know a soul. I felt like I was drowning and no one was around to save me and I was grasping for life.

Then I felt the nightmare come to me and that was being stuck in a classroom teaching year after year, watching my students pursuing their dreams, all the while I was stuck in a classroom in the middle of nowhere. The thought sent chills down my spine and till this day thinking about it gives me chills. I couldn’t be that person who had to wonder what would happen if I did something else in life.

I was ¾ through my degree and I realized I didn’t have the money to switch to another major, I was so close to the finish line, I couldn’t go away from the path. I realized that I had to stick with the plan and just deal with it.

My plan was destroying me from within and I began to feel as if my life was going down hill and I honestly had no idea how to fix it. I felt like I started off wrong and everything in my life would be ruined because you have to get it right on the first try, right?

Suddenly I made the decision to move out of state. It was a big step to me because I never believed in a million years that I would ever leave Oklahoma But I felt like there wasn’t a reason to stay anymore. I knew deep in my heart that I am made to do bigger and better things in the world, and in order to do that, I need to leave this place called home and try to make it. I came to this decision and I honestly didn’t have a plan on how I am going to do it, all I knew was that it was going to happen.

For the first time in my life, I realized that I do not have a plan what so ever and till this day on making that decision, I still don’t. I began to feel as if the all the weight of everything on my shoulders had been lifted. I don’t have a plan on how I’m getting there, what I am going to do, and how I am going to do. All I know is that I am graduating college and I will have a bachelor degree in Theatre Education, but afterwards? I have no clue. And to be honest I think that’s okay.

Our whole lives we are told to go to high school, go to college, graduate, get a job, and settle down. It’s a plan we all know very well, but where is the part of the plan on when we actually live our lives? Where in the plan does it state that it’s okay to make mistakes and to make time for that? It’s not in there. Our plan is set up for people who would do everything perfectly, well guess what? We are not perfect. We are setting ourselves up for failure; I was setting myself up for failure.

The moment when we decide that everything will work itself out and we are just going to go with the tide is when we can take a deep breath and just enjoy the ride. Being in our twenties is difficult when you’re expected to have a plan in motion and following that plan. But I say fuck the plan, take that plan and throw it in the trash. Planning and predicting is not living, that’s staying the dark and wishing you could play out in the light.

Why do we have to know immediately on what we want to do for the rest our lives? Sure we have a couple of ideas on what we would like to do, but still, we really have no clue what makes us happy yet. We have to live our life and be molded by our decisions, our regrets, our pasts, and our futures to really understand who we truly are. That’s how I feel like our 20’s should be about, the time in our life where we do the most soul searching and finding who we really are.

I find it funny when I tell my friends and family about my plan on moving to Colorado. They look at me as if I have lost my mind and they have no idea why I’m doing what I am doing, but to be honest the only person I am going to impress is myself and that’s all that matters. No more plans and no more on trying to make everyone proud. The only thing I have left to give is my college graduation which I plan on, afterwards free sailing with zero plans. I need to make myself happy and stop focusing on everyone else. You only live once, so grab life by the balls and just roll with what comes next.

I have no idea what I am doing with my life, and I have no idea what I will be; only time can tell. I would rather be happy going with the flow, than being stuck somewhere and thinking “What would’ve happen if I just did something else?” That is my biggest fear and we only live once, so why even risk feeling like that? Take chances, make mistakes, don’t have a plan, or have a plan, but most importantly… be happy.