“You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.” - Josh Shipp
My friend sent me this quote and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I won’t lie, I’ve been hurt recently, I’ve felt betrayed and disappointed by someone I trusted, and in this situation and others where I experience pain, I find it easy to resort to anger and bitterness. This is unlike me. In general, I wouldn’t say I am an angry person at all, I am normally calm and easygoing, positive and driven. In these times of anger, I know that my feeling of anger is masking some sadness underneath.
When I feel angry, I recognize that whatever it is that’s angering me is something important, something close to my heart.
It is not easy to write this. It is not easy to admit that try as I might, I take things personally. But, in my second Odyssey article I ever wrote, I explained how being vulnerable is worth it, even if it’s difficult. So, this is it. This is me being vulnerable and open about the betrayal, heartbreak, and anger I have been feeling. To some, this depiction of myself may make me seem weak.
To me, it is my greatest strength, because it is in this vulnerability that I am determined to find change.
Back to the quote. When someone wrongs you, it is easy to fall into the trap of “getting back” at the other person, at getting revenge, or in some way or another putting the other person down. In my lifetime, I’ve heard countless times that two wrongs don’t make a right. As nice as it might feel initially to respond with poison, with emotion, and bitterness, in the long run, this response serves no purpose. This response is one that repeats the cycle of pain and betrayal, instead of ending it. It makes your actions just as bad as the ones that hurt you and makes you no better of a person.
When you choose to respond bitterly, or simply hold anger in your heart, you continue to hurt yourself.
Another response might be to overcompensate, to make it seem like we are completely okay and shut ourselves out from dealing with the issue at hand. While this might not give whomever hurt us the satisfaction they may seek, holding things in is no healthy means to dealing with the issue.
So, what’s the alternative? Shift the bitterness by allowing yourself to feel first. A lot of times, you may want to skip the part where you feel sad and hurt, and go directly to the point where you feel okay again. But experiencing these feelings is important, because if you deny how you feel, you will never get anywhere. So, come to terms with what is going on.
Allow yourself to feel bitter and angry, and recognize if this is masking sadness.
The most beautiful part of all of this is the letting go, the point where you pick yourself up, hold your head high, and choose to be the bigger person. The better person. Because you are. Truth be told, this is the hardest part and one I don’t think I’ve completely mastered yet.
Recognizing that you are greater than an act of anger, that you can respond with grace and compassion, integrity and wisdom, rather than irrational insults and emotional driven behavior, that is your greatest power.
Still, letting things go does not mean allowing yourself to be pushed around. It does not mean not allowing the other person to feel the severity of their actions if need be. Instead, letting go means accepting what has happened, feeling it, and then releasing its impact in your life. The actions of others need not affect you. We are each living our own lives and finding our own way.
What someone else does has nothing to do with you.
Once you come to that realization, you will find yourself more able to pick yourself back up, stronger than ever.
Something I can’t stress enough is that one of the greatest remedies to releasing bitterness is what I’m doing right now. Writing, expressing, releasing, whether it be on paper or in person. Your voice needs to be heard in these times. The people in your life are here to support you and shift your mindset. There will always be people to remind you of how great you are, how strong and capable you are. In times of pain, we often need that outside perspective to let us know when we are being irrational, to urge us to unmask that sadness and feel it, rather than respond with bitterness. Our loved ones are a great asset and support.
Still, when it comes down to it, you yourself are your biggest advocate. Whatever the situation, realize the choice comes down to you. It is up to you to decide how these experiences shape you.
Will you allow them to tear you down, or will you allow them to build you up?
I have always seen every life experience as a learning one, and when I think of things that way, my bitterness shifts into a sense of gratitude for having the capacity to realize that I am greater than how people treat me, that if my needs and wishes aren’t met, I can meet them in myself, and I can find other people who can.
It all comes down to love. Learn to love your life, each experience, rather than resent your life, and others, when they wrong you. Because people aren’t perfect. I know I sure as heck am not. But that’s okay. I am learning that the way I respond to these testing situations is a great measure of who I am as a person.
So, I am going to respond with grace and strength, because that is who I am.
Don’t get bitter, get better, get bigger, get more compassionate, loving, strong willed and determined to surround yourself with people who treat you right, and most importantly, treat yourself right, from within.
Talk soon,
Sam
