Let me begin with this: even though I know what it is like to grow up with a single parent, I do not claim to know exactly how you feel. I think that is something I have learned through the lose of a parent, even though you go through something similar to someone else, you do not completely understand what they are feeling. When I was young, I lost my mother to breast cancer. At age nine, my happy family of three, dropped to a family of two. Yea, we were still happy but looking back on it, even I could tell there was something missing. As a young child though, I didn't understand that my mom was gone, forever, that hit me about age thirteen. I am a twenty year old young woman now and I still miss my mom daily. I begin with all this, because I want to remind you of four very important things: the pain doesn't just go away, no one can tell you how to feel, there is not a limit on how long you can grieve, and God always has your back.
The pain does not just go away. It's been 11 years since my mom passed away, and I still feel the pain of her loss a lot. Sure the sharp pain is around special occasions (her birthday, my birthday, any holiday, graduation, etc.), but that nagging pain is there almost daily. No matter what anyone tells you pain is not a bad thing, and it does not show weakness. You want to cry, you cry- that is a good thing, it is healthy. You cannot just ignore the pain. It's like a pesky fly that will just come around and no matter what you do, you cannot get away from it. Talk to people about it, it truly helps. If the pain becomes too much when talking about, do not be afraid to tell someone that. Sometimes the pain can just be overbearing, and you just cannot talk about it anymore, that is okay too. I leave this portion of the text with this: DO NOT LET ANYONE LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR PAIN IS NOT IMPORTANT AND TO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!
No one can tell you how to feel. Your friend, sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, parent or anyone else that you are close to cannot tell you how to react to the situation. I was more than confused when I was younger as to why everyone was so sad, because I believed whole heartily that my mom was going to come through that front door and tell me how much she loved me and give me one of her big bear hugs. My family though, they knew what had happened and they were grieving her loss. That in no way means that I did not love her, I just didn't understand everything at the time. Then as I got older and I began understanding what happened, my anger grew. I was angry at everything, and everyone: cancer, the doctors, my mom because I thought maybe she had just given up the fight, God, my family because I wondered why they didn't try to explain it better, and I was angry at myself. The truth: I had none of them to blame, except the cancer. My mom fought until the end, my family tried to explain it, the doctors did all they could do, God tried to comfort me, and there was nothing I could do at the time. Again, I say all that to say, be angry and sad, that is normal! If you remember a funny memory about your parent that is not with you, laugh, that is what they would have wanted. It is okay to laugh. Sometimes you just have to laugh to get through the pain, and that is just as normal as the other emotions.
There is no limit on how long you can grieve. No one can stress this enough. Someone may "move on" after a year of the loss and you may still be grieving, that is fine. That is like eating a cookie at the same time as another person and them complaining because you did not finish as fast them, a pointless comparison. I used to go to a grief center that helped kids who had lost a loved one and I will never forget what they told me: "You never get over the grief, you find a way through it." Meaning, grief is something that stays, even if it is not always the overpowering emotion, but you can get to where you make it. Sometimes, it is literally taking it step by step, and day by day. Some days, you may even feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and that is okay too, everyone has those days. Again I leave this section with this note: YOUR GRIEVING IS IN NO RELATION TO ANYONE ELSE'S, DO NOT COMPARE YOUR GRIEF TO SOMEONE ELSE'S!
God will always have your back! This was something that I needed to come to terms with. Sometimes God takes things from us, because they are needed up there with him rather than on this Earth, as hard as that is to comprehend. He does not hate you and you did not do anything wrong. In my case, my mom was ready to go and God called her into his open arms. When you think about God, sometimes you have to think about him as a friend, or even a best friend. You know what happens between friends sometimes? They yell at each other. Sometimes yelling helps, I have yelled to God with so many questions as to why, that I am sure he has lost hearing if it were possible, but you know what? God is just like that best friend who, even after you fight and yell at, is still there to pick you up and brush you off, and say I love you no matter what. God is always going to be there, even when you think there is no one left to talk to, he is there. There have been times where I have just cried to God, because I did not know what else to do- the pain was just overwhelming. I leave with this note: GOD ALWAYS HAS YOUR BACK, NO MATTER WHAT!
