I wrote last week about the growing popularity of an genre that reveals in chilling lucidity the power imbalances that are implicit in gender expression. These stories gather so much of their power from their common ground: all women teeter on the edge of crazy, and once they snap, there's no telling what they can do. It's reductive, it's insulting, and it's often used as a convenient way for a partner to side step responsibility for poor behavior.
Have you recognized your own experience in these stories? Has someone made you feel as if your own version of reality is unreliable to the point where your memories feel muddled and conversations leave your feeling exhausted and disoriented? Are you constantly told your reactions are unreasonable and unfounded? This behavior is more than immature, it's a particular form of manipulation known as "gas-lighting".
Gas-lighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse that makes you or your loved ones believe that the reality you claim to experience is unreliable or you are unstable in order to control your behavior. Here are some strategies to protect yourself and your sanity if you or someone you know is experiencing gas-lighting:
Research gas-lighting on your own - Learn what the word means, where it comes from, and the symptoms and signs. Trust your gut, it's there for a reason. If your research brings up something you identify with, take some action. You never deserve to be made to feel that your opinions and feelings aren't valuable, even when they are unpleasant feelings like anger or distress.
(A word of caution: Using the term "gas-lighter" with the person exhibiting manipulative behaviors is not likely to be effective, whether their behavior is purposefully manipulative or no. They will repackage your concern for yourself as an "overreaction.")
Find ways to create boundaries and reclaim independence - All relationships are a choice, meaning you get to choose not only if you want to be a part of them, but how you want to be a part of them. Isolation is a key way a gas-lighter can ensure a situation stays "your word against mine." Keep your social media or any banking passwords to yourself. Take privacy or alone time whenever you need a moment to yourself, even if you have established shared activities. An additional frame of reference is healthy, and someone who insists that you limit and censor the way you speak to other people is denying you a necessary component of mental wellness.
Spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself - Find a reliable third party, be it a friend, relative, or therapist. Set aside some space and some time to relax and giving yourself permission to make choices that are right for you. Ask your friends to validate the feelings of the women around them, and stop throwing around "crazy" as a description for women that express anger, or using abnormal, jealous behaviors as a justification or measurement of affection.
Do something physical - Exercise, dancing, singing, and playing an instrument all help relieve stress and help you get in touch with your body. You are hard wired to take in the world around you trough your five senses, and reminding yourself to check in with your body can remind you that your perception is pretty darn dependable and keeps you out of trouble all day every day!
Remember there is no such thing as the perfect victim - Feelings that you may have allowed yourself to me manipulated, fueled the anger for the person manipulating you, or attempted to engage in mind games yourself are common for people experiencing gas-lighting. Any guilt you may be feeling does not justify your partner's behaviors, and you do NOT deserve to feel this way.
Remind yourself that your story matters - Record the things going on in your life, and get specific. Gas-lighting is difficult to prove because it can often take the form of a minimization of events rather than an outright denial, or an repeated statement that your memory is faulty and your reactions are unreasonable. Write in a journal to keep a record. If you want, you can take screenshots and save emails! This can help you reclaim your perspective, especially if you are unable to leave your situation immediately, and will give yourself some self-generated, reliable points or reference.
Ask for help - If you can't decide if this sounds like what's happening to you, if you don't think you have the power to make it stop by yourself, you don't have to do this on your own! Find a trusted third party to help you out with any of these steps. If you're nervous that you don't have a "strong enough reason" to be upset or feel unsafe, you can point to the records that you've kept. But frankly, you don't need proof to justify being upset. If someone is making you feel that way, it's not cool.
Find an out - if someone repeatedly oversteps your boundaries, you don't need an excuse or ow an explanation to end it. Plain and simple, you don't owe anything to someone that treats you violently, and you don't need to feel guilty about exiting a relationship that isn't healthy for you.
