If you’re anything like me (aka, if you’re a flawed human), you have those certain people you can’t do anything more than tolerate. You wouldn’t say you hate them or dislike them – those are far too strong of words. You just tolerate them. And that’s good enough, right?
What does it look like when you don’t have tolerance for a person? You'd probably fight with them. You’d tell them why they’re wrong and you’re right. You wouldn't be able to stand them, so you’d center your life around avoiding them. You’d think about them with disdain, and you’d enlist others’ support in hating them.
If that’s intolerance, then tolerance must be pretty good. What does “tolerance” look like for the people in your life? Probably something like politeness. You are pleasant towards the people. You ask how they are, you don’t say anything mean, and you don’t say what you really think. You let them believe what they believe, you hold in your heart what you believe, and you don’t dig deep. You’re probably happiest when you don’t happen to cross paths with them.
Is tolerance the goal for relationships? Should we tolerate those around us?
One of my professors asked the class the other day: “Who has ever wanted to be loved and known and cared about?” Everyone, of course, raised their hands. Then he asked, “Who has ever wanted to be tolerated?” His point was clear, and our hands stayed down.
Do you want to be tolerated?
Who do you tolerate? Do you tolerate people groups? Or certain kinds of strangers? Do you tolerate the people close to you – the ones you say you love?
Tolerance is usually easy – sometimes even easier than intolerance. You can nod your head and flash a smile and stay where you’re comfortable without causing conflict. You can be passive – even passive-aggression is safe. You don’t have to get uncomfortable. You can even throw out “I love you”s.
That phrase is pretty weightless to many people – probably because too many of us say “I love you” to the people who we only tolerate. Imagine if you were truthful and said, “I tolerate you!” to those people in your life?
What does a real “I love you” mean? What does love look like? Does the giving and receiving of love look different for every person? Is love subjective?
Maybe to an extent, it is. Some people give and receive love best in different ways. But it’s foolish to persuade ourselves that love looks different everywhere. There is, in fact, a basis for love.
Love is patient and kind and not envious and not boastful and not proud. Love doesn’t dishonor others, it’s not self-seeking, it’s not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn’t delight in evil; it rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.
If you’re a Christian, those words are probably familiar – but the feeling and the action is probably not.
I'll argue that love is a bit grittier than a polite smile. It's more uncomfortable than ignoring unlikable traits in people. Staving off powerful and persistent evils like anger and envy and pride and dishonor and grudges and selfishness cannot be done by ignoring or willing them away.
Actual love takes getting to know the person you'd rather tolerate. It takes time and effort and discomfort and caring confrontation. Sincerely loving a person might take digging for reasons to love them. It might take some (presumably awkward) conversations paired with self-reflection about the areas where you disagree. Every person is lovable once you find out why they are how they are.
I continually tolerate quite a lot of people in my life. Classmates. Certain "types" of people. Co-workers. Too often, friends. It’s temptingly easy to fall into tolerance.
I’ve sure felt tolerated by others, too. "Being tolerated" gives a childlike sentiment of hurt feelings. It is not an ideal way for humans to interact with each other. We'd prefer to be loved.
You’ve probably been told before, “don’t be intolerant.” Well, I’m asking you not to settle for tolerance, either. Don’t tolerate your loved ones. Don’t tolerate those you disagree with.
Loving is hard and uncomfortable and disappointing. But it is rich and beautiful and filling. Please love.
