"God, teach me to hate the things that you hate so I never allow another person like that to come into my life ever again"
That's the prayer that I prayed after being let down yet again by this same guy who manipulated & took advantage of my vulnerability & blamed me for his actions. I wasn't asking God to teach me to hate him because God doesn't hate him I was asking Him to teach me to hate sin. He wasn't a Christian I should've left because of that simple truth but I didn't... I was lonely I was weak in my walk with God I wanted attention I wanted love & there he was. He was nothing like the man in my journals the man I wrote about and prayed for God to send me as time passed that was only revealed to me more, yet It was as if I didn't care. I began to think "maybe he can become that man in my journal maybe God brung him to me for a reason".. But it's important to understand that when we pray God listens but so does the enemy and if you aren't strong in Christ and if you don't have the discernment the enemy can send someone right in the midst of your weakness only to intensify your fears. What I mean by manipulation and taking advantage of my vulnerability is I made the mistake of letting this guy know what I've been through.. he promised to never hurt me, leave me and swore he was the one for me. Now that I think about it I laugh because I fell for everyone else's "promises" except for God's the one who under any and every circumstance NEVER breaks his promises. But I believed him. I let him in. As time went by he never proved anything to me with his actions he only spoke sweet words & lies but I was reluctant to let go because he knew my scars I had already let him in after telling myself I'd never let another man in.. in my mind I finally gave someone a chance and I told myself the next man I give this chance to will be the last. Boy, was I wrong. God wrecked every plan I had in mind. It's like I could hear God saying to me "you may have forgotten about the man you wrote about in your journal, but I didn't & this is NOT him, walk away" but stubborn me failed to listen. I would only threaten the guy that I would leave if things didn't change and all he would do was blame me, call me weak if I left and that I'd regret it because he planned to show me soon how much he cared for me and to be patient. In the 10 months of knowing this guy he never got to know me, never dated me. The only time I seen him was late at night when he’d ask me to come to his place because according to him he was “too busy” to see me otherwise. I’m so embarrassed talking about it because I settled. The one thing I told myself I'd never do. Twice in that time period he left me with no explanation just no text back.. ever. The first time I broke because I wanted a reason I wanted closure I deserved at least that much.. 4 months later he came back, apologized. Anyone who knows me knows I'm big on forgiveness and I will give a second chance not because I'm stupid which you're probably thinking lol.. but because no matter any situation I always think of how Christ forgave me. So I forgave but the mistake was.. I let him back into my life. The same cycle repeated itself as I was afraid it would but yet this time I was prepared.. I was angry but this time angry at myself.. you know the phrase "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" that's all I could think of but I didn't break. Instead I finally said okay God you're in control you take the lead. I'm done. I give up trying to control my own life & how it should go. You do it. I felt free. I felt alive. I forgave him and wished him the best once again because that's what Jesus would do. I vowed to never let another man do that to me ever again in him I learned all the things I didn't want in my husband, I began writing in my journals again and began asking God for specifics I didn't care about eye color, hair color, ethnicity. I only asked God for a man after his own heart a man who would love & protect me, a man who loved God more than he loved me that way I knew he'd know exactly how to take care of me. I stopped dating. I stopped talking to guys. I began chasing after God, as I still am. I would say meeting this guy destroyed my self worth & made me feel stupid and less of a female BUT honestly meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to me. The devil meant for this to degrade me & obliterate my self esteem but God used it to strengthen me, empower me and see myself the way He sees me. I know my husband is out there & well, after all the enemy has done in my life to try and stop God's plan he's got to be one heck of an amazing guy & I can't wait to meet him. But until then God is everything I could ever need and want & he's healing me for myself & for my future husband I want to be my best when I meet him, for him. So, ladies and even guys if you've ever been in this type of situation I encourage you don't become bitter. "For the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. They have Devine power to demolish strongholds" - 2 Corinthians 2:4. Our fight is not with those who have hurt or betrayed us it's with the enemy so don't give him the power and satisfaction of ruining your outlook on love because I assure you love does not hurt. Love is God & God does not hurt or inflict pain he only uses what the devil meant for evil & turns it around for good! You are always worth it & you owe it to yourself to wait for what you deserve.
Love always, Alaina.
