Due to perpetual relevance and cathartic reflections following a recent break-up, I began wondering, what makes for a lasting relationship? We live in a society propelled by instant gratification, and it seems like we are a generation that goes through romantic interests faster than they go through underwear. How is it that so many young adults seem to find themselves in and out of half-assed romantic encounters that barley qualify as romantic at all? Well, if I had the answer to that my Valentines Day plans would probably be a lot sexier than eating a large pizza by myself in a Wonder Woman onsie, but I digress, and like any other devoted young writer...I looked to google to try and find the answer. According to science and years of psychological studies, lasting relationships rely on just two characteristics: kindness and generosity. Of course, my first reaction to this (as with a majority of other things in my life) was an eye-roll concurrent with a sarcastic comment; it doesn't seem like rocket science that being nice to the person you're with should constitute longevity. However, after further reading, I was surprised to find that the concept of being kind to your partner isn't a well-practiced one, because that same research points out that only about 30% of marriages work out.
The more I read and thought about it, the more I realized that all those studies, all that research had an underlying theme: relationships last when there is an environment that is quintessential of good friendships.Think about it, you feel at home with your best friends, and friendship isn't something you analyze, question or scrutinize, it is simply something that benefits our lives and something to be grateful for. We tend to have a more optimistic outlook on friendships because they are not associated with any expectations other than kindness and acceptance. If you fail to see your partner as a best friend, you fail to create an environment that withstands the inevitable downfall of that 'honeymoon' stage. The initial euphoric (dopamine driven) feelings of love will always fade. Your partners once adorable idiosyncrasies will eventually become overwhelming nuisances, their comfort and familiarity will represent boredom, and you will find yourself teetering on the edge of frustration more than acceptance. Well, I don't know about you, but I never want to be my significant other's responsibility, frustration, fleeting all-or-nothing portrait of perfection. I want to be their best friend.
I want to be able to have fun. I want someone to be just as willing to go on adventures with me as they are to relax and enjoy simplicity with me. I want to go on a camping trip one weekend, then stay in pajamas and get drunk while binge watching our favorite show and quoting every other line to each other the next. I want someone who is just as comfortable laughing at me as they are with me. Take me camping, knowing I will probably insist on capturing every strange new animal I see, sliding down every hill I find, and climbing every boulder that crosses my path. Then, if my plans are unexpectedly foiled and I find myself instead being chased by woodland creatures, or stuck in a pile of dead cactus... I don’t want someone who will coddle me, I want someone who will laugh, and understand that my enthusiasm and passion for life is filled with curiosity, and fearlessness. I want to be able to find humor and spontaneity in all the little moments that fill up our lives, so that we can withstand all of life’s inevitable dark, difficult and serious moments that will be there too. I want someone who knows we’re going to drive each other nuts, we’re going to get frustrated with each other, and that there will be times we struggle, but chooses to face those struggles and frustrations with me instead of taking them out against me. Someone who will always choose to love me, even when liking each other is hard. Life happens, and time has an interesting way of changing things, but if I find someone who actively chooses to love me for exactly who I am, I know I’ve found something that can last. So, maybe we have it all wrong in thinking that love is always supposed to be perfect and romantic, and that's the reason we don't stay together; we see our lovers, as only lovers, and not as our best friends too. Simultaneously be best friends and lovers to find a lasting, realistic love rooted in a mutual respect, understanding, admiration and acceptance that continually develops instead of diminishes.
