As a sophomore in college, I am beginning to feel like my life is full of waiting. Waiting to graduate. Waiting to get a "real" job. Waiting to get married. Waiting to get an internship. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I wait for class to start, and I wait for it to finish. I wait for test results, and I wait for grades. I wait in lines for meals and coffee. I wait and wait and wait. But why? Why do I feel like I'm waiting to really start my life?
Things keep getting in the way. Another paper to write, another test to study for. Another week to get through by the skin on my teeth. I can get an internship when I'm less busy with school, I say. Next semester. Oh, I can get a new job, but I should wait until I graduate. I need to do this, so that I can do that. But first, I need to do this other thing so that I free up the time to do that, so I can pursue that. It's ridiculous! I'm not entirely sure that I have the patience for the whole mess. Waiting, to wait so that I can finally get on with my life. I want to live now. But what if that's not God's timing? How does this whole puzzle fit together?
As I make plans for my future I also find myself watching them shift and change. One month I think I'll graduate and then go to grad school. The next month I have my heart set on an internship. Who knows what kind of ideas I'll get! So I pray. I ask the Lord for guidance, wisdom, and discernment. And, sometimes, nothing changes. I keep planning my after-graduation trip to Europe. And my excursion to throw all to the wind and move to Arizona. I keep thinking and thinking about my future, shifting around all the pieces. How will this work out?
The more I live in this shifting puzzle, the more I find myself leaning on God. How wonderful is that? I find myself tangling my thoughts together like headphones in a pocket, and crying out "Lord, what do I do here?" And those moments are beautiful to me. Those moments are difficult. And they test me and my faith. They teach me. And boy, do I need those lessons. He teaches me that I'm not waiting. I'm preparing. I am being equipped for the life He intends for me. This both takes the weight off of my shoulders and puts it back on. It frees me from the waiting and impatience and gives me a new purpose. Yet this renewed purpose in life is a new responsibility.
So now I'm trying to live my life where I am. Trying to prepare myself and learn everything I can in an effort to be equipped for the mission that God is putting in my heart and my life. What a life changing moment it is when you realize that you're not living your life for you, but to glorify God. Everything becomes 10 times more important. Every test, homework assignment, and paper becomes an opportunity to glorify God in the effort of preparation. The waiting sounds easier now. Like it would be resting, waiting for things to happen. But that's not what I'm called to. I am called to life.
