Dear Donald,

What a week it’s been! First you save a thousand jobs at Carrier, then that ungrateful dipshit boss person accuses you of lying to him and his union workers, then you lash out at him on Twitter, and to top it all odd, the world loses its lid over your decision to use a form of mass communication. You just can’t catch a break, can you?

On top of all that, SNL recently insisted on making fun of you again! What nerve! What audacity! What stupidity! Nevermind the fact that their jokes are bad, do they not understand who you are? Do they not understand how dangerous it is to mock the President of the United States? That just divides people! Hell, that kind of contemptuous mockery is why Hillary Clinton and her liberal hoard lost the election; you can’t belittle people for over a decade and expect them to just stand by when someone comes along who only pretends to care about their problems to hide how much of a threat she is to their way of life. It makes no sense—if Colbert had mocked Obama, he would have been kicked off the air. If Stewart ever challenged the idea of abortion, he would have been booed back to Israel.

You, Donald, have a real opportunity here to use art for the greater good. We all know the Obamas and the Democrats did it, so why not you? Might as well while you can.

What you need to do first is get SNL in line, get them to advocate for your policies and your beliefs instead of those of the liberal elite. Reach the masses, that sort of thing. Use your cronies at NBC to strong arm Lorne Michaels into firing Kate McKinnon—no one wants to see a dyke on TV, no one, because everyone knows that dykes are just corrupted women who are willingly corrupt (kind of like Obama). You know, he sold his soul to politics so that he could become powerful and look perpetually good. It’s why people like McKinnon flock to him and call him their shepherd. They see in him their own soulless ways. It’s a form of narcissism, really. They see somebody like them and fall in love with them. Shows an appalling lack of empathy, in my opinion, which, of course, is something you have in abundance because you’re the most humble man God ever created. Anyway, the Obama-worship is all about lies and corruption and indecency—it’s about time that sort of thing ended in Washington, and that’s why I’m actually glad you’re stocking your cabinet with people who threw millions of dollars into your campaign. To take down that kind of corruption, you are going to need people you know you can trust. Just don’t grab any of their pussies, or any of their wives’ or daughter’s pussies. It probably won’t hurt you too much—you’ll probably stay President—but it will damage your reputation in the press, and make it that much more difficult to clean up Washington. That’s another thing you need to do—get control of the press so that your ambitious and well thought out plans won’t be impeded by nasty articles and fake news stories, and so that you can grab as much pussy as you want, as often—and as young—as you want it without fear of consequence. Not that you’re ever really afraid of consequences, but it will be nicer to get your fingers wet like that knowing that no one will be publicly bitching about you.) and Leslie Jones, Pete Davidson—okay, well, maybe not him. He’s young. He can learn to see the error of his ways—Alec Baldwin—have him blacklisted for something. Start a McCarthy-like hunt for people who are helping ISIS in Hollywood, accuse him of being one of them, and he’s gone. Not a problem anymore. Get rid of Michael Che, too. Not only does his existence give people the idea that niggers can actually be insightful and witty, he is also a threat to your manhood. If you listen to that part of you that you’ve ignored for so long—come on, Donald. It’s obvious that you’re a homosexual who refuses to admit it. That’s why you hate women so much. You only pretend to love them because it’s your job as a macho man to love them. Everyone knows you actually want dick. And not because you’re attracted to men or anything like that, oh no. You want dick because you have some kind of weird Oedipus complex where you just want to make love to the father that never loved you.

(Oh, yeah, shut down the artsy side of the US before that becomes another piece of fan fiction. You and your father in bed together...steamy stuff, inappropriate stuff. It would be even steamier and more appropriate if it was about you and Ivanka in bed together. Now THAT’S a story, and it’s one I think you would like to read. Just imagine seeing her naked next to you...before she became, well, deformed due to her pregnancies. Imagine that. Yum.)

And Colin Jost, too, while you’re at it. Yeah, he’s a white dude, but he works willingly alongside a black man and makes jokes about you, so he’s willing to debase himself to appease the PC police, SJW liberal babies, and he’s willing to keep dividing the country by making jokes at your expense.

Sir, it is vital to the safety of this country that you eliminate SNL’s cast of diverse actors and replace them with straight white Christian men. I don’t think it would be a good idea to eliminate the show all together. It’s too much of an American institution for you to get rid of it. It would be like tearing up the Constitution—it’s a bad idea. It might give you a moment’s satisfaction, but it’s ultimately a terrible, terrible idea that you will come to regret.

(I mean, rip up the Constitution if you want, but know that if you do that, you have to be willing to replace the Constitution with something else, another vision of this country, and you and I both know that you’re not a visionary. You got into politics because you want power. There’s nothing wrong with that, but be advised that the sentence “I want power” doesn’t lend itself to a great historical document. Hire a writer who doesn’t think too much to write a visionary document for you, and take the credit for his or her work. The writer won’t mind because he or she...who am I kidding, HE will be serving ‘a great cause’ and will be ‘important’ and ‘literary’ in his mind, which is probably remarkably empty since he would be a writer who would be able to write a document giving you unlimited power without a second thought)

You know what, it might be best to hire a female writer after all. Men get too proud of themselves and wind up demanding too much attention, so a male writer would wind up stealing a bit of your spotlight (just look at the guy who helped you write “The Art of the Deal.” He got up after you ‘did’ him and demanded respect and insulted you in the process. What a loser.) And they do tend to be thinkers, so just hire a female writer, tell her she’s beautiful, that she doesn’t need a college degree to be a good writer, and she’s yours. It’s important, though, that you find a writer who doesn’t think too much, who prefers to ‘live life’ over ‘reflecting’ and ‘meditation,’ who acts more than she reads, and when she does read, is busy doing ten-thousand other things, like biting her nails or waiting for a text message or thinking about everything she has to do the next day, because a writer like that will say anything you want them to say and will not be overly concerned with the accuracy of your statements or the impact they will have on others like most other writers would be. Your writer must be, in effect, someone who only sees the surface of things and calls that ‘truth,’ because your administration...hell, your life will depend on/has depended on having such a shiny, perfect surface that no one will dare/has dared to peer beneath it, and any writer who does think will take a look at that surface and say ‘no, give me the real truth’ and expose you for what they think you are (a lying, corrupt, greedy, sociopathic, narcissistic, manipulative, abusive, sadistic, materialistic, opportunistic, morally bankrupt scumbag of a human being that deserves to be ridiculed endlessly because of all the terrible things you have willfully, knowledgeably, and delightfully done to good people, like your wives, your children, your investors, your small contract workers, probably your siblings, and the list goes on and on. Those kinds of writers are the ones who are unafraid to say “Donald Trump I think you’re ugly and I hate you” and “Your eyeballs look like frog eyes” and “I’ve seen turds that are prettier than your face,” and who will shout on the scaffold “No Trump, No KKK, No fascist USA” before the rope goes taut. You don’t want to get too close to those kinds of writers, because they will destroy you.)

But back to this problem of SNL. Instead of eliminating it, what you need to do instead is turn SNL into a program that favors the ‘silent majority,’ one that is unapologetically racist and sexist not because it is inherently racist or sexist, but because everyone has the right to free speech. Late-night comedy for far too long has been dominated by liberals and their ilk, and it’s about time that a little brash conservatism was brought into the late-night clamor to balance things out, because, after all, when the discourse has become so one-sided in favor of virtue and equality and whatnot, it needs to be tempered with everything that is contemptible about humanity, because, ultimately, it is worse to be biased in favor of goodness than it is to have an endless debate between goodness and disgusting bullshit, because with the last option, everyone at least has a chance to participate. Those damn liberals are just too fucking smart. People who aren’t as educated as them don’t stand a chance unless they’re empowered to bully and harass them into silence, or at least into a position of constant frustration that prevents them from leading healthy fulfilling lives, which, frankly, might be the best end goal of a dialogue between the two sides, because then the liberals will finally understand what it’s like to be stomped on by the entire world (yeah, there have been Black Friday incidents, but that pales in comparison to being objectified-through-ridicule by half the country and by being disrespected because one is supposedly less intelligent and therefore less worthy of respect. No liberal understands what that’s like. Not a single one. Not a single one. Nope, most definitely person in a crowd of people that come from the African-American, LGBTQ+, and female communities. Nope, definitely not.).

And it will be better for your administration if the late-night dialogue swings in favor of the ‘silent majority,’ because that kind of dialogue thrives on the surface-stuff I was talking about earlier. None of that irritating analysis, none of that biting wit that requires the person making the wit to have the capacity to actually think about the issue he or she is making fun of, none of those big words—just laughter, pure and simple, and a handful of insults casually thrown around by people who love hearing themselves talk and who hate thinking too deeply about things. That kind of dialogue is what will be necessary to protect your administration from public scrutiny, so Sir, start creating that kind of dialogue by turning SNL into a Trump Propaganda Machine (it will be the ultimate revenge.)

From there, once the liberal late-night jokesters have been shouted into obsolescence, you can move into a general suppression of the arts, except you’ll have to be crafty about that because people don’t like the idea of being told they can’t do art. Something about not being able to express themselves. But it is necessary for you to do something about the arts in this country, because history has shown time and time again that art is incredibly dangerous for people who want power more than anything else, because it gives the people they want power over a chance to reflect upon why they really don’t want that individual to have power. It’s a horrible instinct, I know, to not want to be ruled over by someone, but it is a part of human psychology, and it must be addressed. Save the people from themselves. Don’t let them give into that desire to resist authority.

Just do what you did with your children. Make it very clear that the only acceptable form of self-expression will be something that praises you and reassures you of your greatness, and severely punish anyone who tries to do something else. It worked out nicely for your kids—their lives, even though they are adults, revolve entirely around you, and they have limited opportunities to express themselves because they are so busy making you look good, and they have a limited capacity to express themselves because they were taught that Daddy wouldn’t love them if they gave into that horrible, horrible impulse. Do the same thing to America, and you’ll be fine.

But you need to act fast, Donald, because the longer the people have to create art, the longer they will have to convince themselves that there is hope that you can and will be toppled, and the longer they will have to start actually acting on that hope and start causing serious problems for your administration.

Of course, even if you do act, there is the annoying fact that no matter what tyrants and tyrant-like people do, art can never, ever be fully eradicated, which means that the people will never, ever not have some kind of hope.

Good luck figuring that one out.

With love,

Nicholas