I feel like dog owners let their dogs piss anywhere they want. Here’s an official list of items you should and shouldn’t let your best friend pee on, canine or otherwise.

1. Please pee on: polka-dot washi tape

But not: the two nickels in my front pocket

2. Please pee on: my roommate’s Sum 41 poster

But not: notes from my morphological computer science lecture

3. Please pee on: rainbow belts

But not: spicy tuna rolls

4. Please pee on: tinder bios

But not: my new salami from the store

5. Please pee on: long nails on a lesbian

But not: stolen silverware from the dining hall

6. Please pee on: combination locks with forgotten combinations

But not: maps leading to secret treasure

7. Please pee on: horrifying family secrets you learn on your 18th birthday

But not: rubber carving tools

8. Please pee on: racist family members

But not: my folk rendition of Kanye’s “Famous”

9. Please pee on: new car smell

But not: instant mac & cheese

10. Please pee on: the braid of hair I’ve been saving in a stamped envelope for three months

But not: yellow ladybugs

11. Please pee on: dakimakura body pillows

But not: microwave-safe bowls

12. Please pee on: weed socks

But not: the sound my fingers make when I crack them

13. Please pee on: “that’s my aesthetic”

But not: sheets with red patterns so you can’t see the period blood stains

14. Please pee on:

But not: Barbara Streisand saying happy birthday

15. Please pee on: the weak plot of Grease

But not: Rizzo’s musical monologue

16. Please pee on: common room couches

But not: black lights

17. Please pee on: bad still-life portraits

But not: light-up sneakers hehe

18. Please pee on: “Clap if you hear my voice"

But not: suggested donation yoga

19. Please pee on: the rusty disposable razor on my floor

But not: girls who give me free Gushers in class

20. Please pee on: Candy Crush

But not: Bejeweled

21. Please pee on: powdered wigs

But not: nihilistic writings in Coykendall stalls

22. Please pee on: onesies

But not: the sound dragon nails make on a cash register

23. Please pee on: sparkles in my Welch’s snacks

But not: being really bad at everything new you try and then sticking with and eventually being able to track all your progress as a human

24. Please pee on: cheese sticks with salami wrapped around them. They sell these at Duane Reade and to be honest I’ve had one or two and they’re good but it’s still like… disgusting?

But not: one-eyed puppies in a box

25. Please pee on: :-)

But not: *<:)

26. Please pee on: Ronald Trump

But not: Bernie Flanders. This one’s for the poli-sci majors out there.

27. Please pee on: censorship requirements

But not: publishing stuff anyway

Food for thought/unrelated sidenote: Why does peeing in public make you a sex offender? I understand like if a guy whips out their john and starts pissing on deli windows that’s not... good but how about when I drink too much orange Crush and can’t find a port-a-potty? Someone answer.