"Why doesn't she just leave? If my husband started hitting me, I would immediately leave him! How can these women let that happen?" said a girl in my Hegemony in Culture class on the topic of domestic violence. This is a common question asked by people who have never experienced violence in an intimate relationship, and admittedly asked by myself.
This year, I spent my spring break in a domestic violence shelter in Lexington, Kentucky. The flower farm that doubled as a haven for victim-survivors became my home for the week. I could not have asked for a more fruitful and healing environment. Here, I met the strongest people I have ever encountered and learned a few lessons that changed my perspective of Domestic Violence all together.
Recommended for you
Many of the women at the shelter had been through more than I could imagine. You could see it in their faces. But they didn't appear to be weak, they were happy and empowered. They welcomed us into their home, they told us their stories and they altered our perspectives. If these wise and resilient women couldn't just leave, I certainly wouldn't be able to either. On the very first day at the farm, I became eager to know why. Why had all of these incredible women been effected by something so terrible?
The most important thing I learned was that victims of domestic violence can't just leave. Some people may view it as shameful to leave a committed relationship or marriage. Other people have children with their abusers and don't want to uproot their lives in order to leave. Moreover, victims are likely to be financially dependent on their abusers and might not have the immediate skills to support themselves. In any circumstance, leaving is a process and that process is littered with obstacles.
A large part of domestic violence is isolation. Some abusers may go to extreme lengths to cut their partners off from the rest of the world. This may entail monitoring whereabouts, computer search history, calls, and family contact. As a victim, it may be near impossible to seek help without putting yourself and/or your children in danger. After leaving, many victims are stalked, threatened and even killed.
It is also important to remember that the abusers are people that the victims love. This makes it easy to believe and show sympathy toward their countless apologies. It can also escalate to the point where the abuser has convinced the victim that the violence is their fault. This results in an immense amount of guilt toward the situation. Asking "why doesn't she leave?" or "why does she stay" contributes to the victim-blaming techniques that abusers commonly use. The real question we should be asking is "Why does the abuser do it?"
My prior idea of domestic violence was that it was an issue that belonged to people very different from me. It was not my issue. I am not lower class woman that is financially dependent on a man. Now, with the help of the women on the farm, I see how misconstrued this idea is. In reality, domestic violence is everyone's issue. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men have been effected by violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. In addition, this statistic persists across all racial and class-divided groups. From Harvard graduates to minimum wage workers, the statistics do not change. This makes it our problem.
The solution starts with discourse. Domestic violence thrives in silence. The more we shame and devalue it, the more it will prevail. Breaking the barrier that allows so many women to fall into the cycle of abuse can bring these critical statistics down. Talk to your friends and your family. Explain why it is so much more than just leaving. And seek out help. There are wonderful people (not only in Lexington, Kentucky) that have dedicated their lives to allowing survivors another chance.
