I recently had coffee with a former boss of mine. She’s leaving the area for a new job, and since she has acted as a sort of mentor to me, I wanted to say goodbye in person. I had also just gotten a new job, so we had a lot to talk about.
As we were both getting up to leave, she asked me, “How does it feel to have your first ‘adult’ job?”
That stopped me. Despite having a job, an apartment, and a bank account; despite paying taxes, rent, and utilities; despite cooking and cleaning for myself, I do not feel like an adult. I have no idea what I’m doing.
I said, “I don’t really know. I don’t feel like I’m an adult.”
“No?”
“When I turned 13, I didn’t feel like a real teenager, because I was in 7th grade and real teenagers were in high school. I have that same feeling now when I’m 23. Real adults are more than just a year out of college.”
“Well, I’m 35 and I still don’t feel like a real adult,” she said.
I suspect we’re all just pretending.
Does my 91-year-old grandfather feel like a grown-up? When does the switch in mindset come? Does the switch come at all?
In Judaism, you become an adult in the faith at age 13 (or 12 if you are female). Legally, we all become adults at 18. In the US, we can drink at 21. We can rent a car at 25. Who picks these arbitrary ages?
Science tells us that our brains are not fully developed until at least our mid-20s, but it seems like even after that milestone, many still find themselves calling people who are more experienced at pretending to be adults for help. We never stop learning how to adult. Inside, we are all still that awkward 18-year-old trying to figure out if what we’re doing is the right thing.
This is sort of a comforting thought. I am glad that I’m not the only who feels like I’m flailing in the dark. On the other hand, we are all living in a world where we are faking it until we make it. Perhaps it would be better if we were all honest about those moments when our adulting is not up to snuff.
Maybe I’m speaking from a naïve, privileged perspective. Maybe I’m just young and have no idea what I’m talking about. But maybe those “real adults” don’t know what they are talking about either.
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