As long as I don’t drop any more classes and I sign up for courses for my minor before they fill up, I should be graduating next spring. Let me be clearer, I should be graduating with a B.A. in Film and a minor in Mass Communications.
With those two “accomplishments”, my future looks unclear. My future can't be read by a psychic, but rather a dyslexic child holding a magic eight-ball. Therefore, I have developed ways to avoid my friends' and family’s questions for my plans and prospects (or lack thereof) for the future.
1. Say you have to go to the bathroom.
This one is my favorite. Clench your stomach really hard when you do this. Think about how afraid you are regarding your future. The face you’ll make is similar to the face you make when you have diarrhea.
2. Announce your pregnancy.
Men you can do this too; it’ll just be hard to convince people of a girlfriend that was non-existent prior. This method is great, but you'll have to think of something later when no baby comes along.
3. Tell grandiose lies.
Basically, tell them that you got a paid internship. Then, weeks later, tell them that your imaginary employer, Imaginary Inc., went bankrupt.
4. Propose a crazy question instead.
If someone asks about your plans for the future, tell them that they shouldn’t ask you that. What they should be asking you is why they haven’t tried to coordinate a threesome with you yet.
5. Offer to take them out to dinner.
You probably know what their favorite restaurant is. You are already willing to misuse your student loans. Provide a great distraction for a brief moment of false peace.
6. Retreat to your happy place.
It’s a world in which a company begs you to work for them on the day of your graduation. You consider working for them, but you have many other well-qualified suiters to also review. Your student loans form together to create the perfect lover.
Lastly, you have six pack abs. In creating this beautiful world, the person asking you horrible questions will think you have fallen asleep and will just leave.
7. Make them feel uncomfortable.
This one is easy if you know your interrogator well. If it’s your mom, ask why she ruined her marriage with your father. If it’s your best friend, ask them why they smell like that.
8. Stop leaving your house.
No one can ask you questions if you have no one to talk to! Furthermore, you can spend that alone time looking for a job or, more likely, re-watching "The Office."
9. Tell the truth.
The truth is probably so sad that they’ll think it’s a joke. When they finish laughing and say, “No really, what are you going to do with your life?” just clench your stomach and ask to go to the bathroom.
Then cry, but make your sobbing sound like farts.
