DATE: 11111.010101010101.7
Planet: 27-J-8A, PURPLE SECTOR (EARTH)
MISSION DETAIL: COUNCIL TO SEND TWO MISSIONARIES ON EXPLORATORY MISSION TO “EARTH” TO JUDGE READINESS FOR PLANET'S ADMISSION INTO STELLAR COUNCIL. EACH MISSIONARY TO BE DROPPED OFF IN RANDOM LOCATION AND EXTRACTED TEN [10] EARTH DAYS LATER.
End of Mission Report
I, Bizbo Bizbi of planet Ahhhhh, Yellow Sector, formally submit my end-of-mission report to the Stellar Council. Thank you for using your Glorious Time to review this document.
I and my colleague, Gackwob Backwad, explored and monitored planet Earth and its dominant species’ society for ten days from two random locations to judge its readiness for entry into the Stellar Council. When I stepped off the ship, I found myself in a warm, lush, mountainous region, with green vegetation and colored flowers. I breathed in the nitrogen-based air, which certainly had a tangy carbonic aftertaste but was still rich and nectary. I exhaled. I was optimistic for planet Earth.
Indeed, this is why I do the job. Council-members, and I apologize for being over-sentimental, but sometimes it’s rough being away from my home, my offspring, especially if the planet's inhabitants are violent or, The Universal Will forbid, snake people. May we never forget those felled by snake people.
I am happy to inform the Council that Earth is, by all means, a fine planet, and humans—Earth’s inhabitants—are a young, budding species and confirmed to not be snake people. However, there are primitive snakes on Earth, having not yet evolved wings but still capable of envenomation; it is of the upmost importance that they are exterminated immediately. This is a Level III snake situation.
I quickly found that I was in the mountains of North Carolina, a state on a continent called the United States of North America. Humans, as my bio suit suggests, are a bipedal, sociable race, using their fleshy mouths to communicate feelings and ideas. These feelings, I noticed, were often intense to the point of irrationality. They endlessly fear their bodies, their surroundings, their minds, and thus humans are an impulsive species. But there is a flip side to this coin (which is a crude, circular piece of metal that humans use as currency): in my ten days on Earth, I saw instances of unparalleled empathy and compassion that are not oft seen throughout the galaxy. Today, I would like to share one such instance with the Council.
On the afternoon of day eight, after I had navigated out of the wilderness, I sat in a cafe specializing in serving 'coffee.' I quickly learned that coffee is a bitter, mildly psychoactive beverage that most humans drink daily; I would not recommend it. As I stared out the window and to the streets, I noticed a human male with long head fur. He was making his way along the sidewalk, distracted by his primitive technological device that humans call a ‘phone.’ His wallet—a small pouch used to carry currency, identification, and various knick-knacks—absently fell from his pocket and he continued without notice.
Fortunately, a human family passed him, comprised of a pair of mates and a young female offspring. The mates did not see the wallet but the offspring did. Logic dictates that the offspring would take the wallet for her own use, but this was not so. Instead, without hesitation, the female scooped up the wallet, turned around, and screamed in a shrill voice, “Hey mister!” The human male turned around, and the female returned his wallet with a smile on her face.
I did not understand this. I still don’t, but my only conclusion can be that humans are, from birth, an innately compassionate species. Their technology may be lacking but their society is not. I recommend immediate admission into the Stellar Council Developmental Program (SCDP) and full admission into the Stellar Council after their technology comes up to par. Thank you for reading, great Council-members, and thank you for your Glorious Time.
