Family crises are natural stages of a couple, they are "built-in." In the algorithm of any family's existence. Of course, we ourselves are often to blame for their emergence: by not saying something, by our inability to properly convey our messages to our partner. But as a rule, we are aware of this only when we are already in the "center of the cyclone. I want to talk to you today about how to get out of there.
First of all, my dear girls, try through all the pain, and all the offense to see the most important thing in your man. See that more than anything else in the world he wants you to be happy. That is the main thing, a man's deepest wish, and the aggression, closures - any negative behavior is a result of our own behavior. Our disbelief, our reactions.
Compare the two states:
1. When you know that your man with all his heart wants to make you happy. Feel it on a physical level-how you feel? You're open, you trust, and you're willing to hear. You know that if he's done something wrong, it's not out of spite, but just really not knowing how it should be...When you're always on the same side, and any problem comes in front of, not between you. Here he is working, getting a mammoth, and coming home, and you're even grateful for a loaf of bread. And then he feels needed, he tries to live up to your expectations, and he opens up.
2. When you think he's "like the others. When you already have a lot of wounds inside from not being heard, from not being given the most important things. I think you're familiar with this condition. In it, any mistake triggers our reactions: shut down or start attacking. And this is where we make the biggest mistake. Because we really choose these two patterns of behavior. And immediately the problem comes between us and we find ourselves on different shores.
And the second is the most difficult and so important task - to be back on the same bank. Stop criticizing, shaming, blaming, and nagging... Add something else for an encore. Better yet, make a list of how you do it directly or indirectly. Don't forget to include body language and intonation. Because very often we are able to speak in such a tone and with such an expression that it makes a man want to drink poison at once. And it's not a bonding behavior. To begin to get closer, you first need to remove the already familiar reactions to each other swords. So the second task is to begin to stop yourself when you attack your beloved.
a couple sitting on the bank of a river
And then we can move on to a real rapprochement. By cultivating a state of "I know you're acting this way now because I've hurt what's most important to you: it means I haven't trusted you with something, doubted you about something, haven't seen that with all of your being you want to do me good. It's the state in which you respond to your partner's attacks by trying to understand what it means to your beloved, what it is that has hurt him or her. And then both of you are trying to find a comfortable solution for both of you. And not only comfortable but one in which both of you will be most happy. And it's absolutely real.
And that's when you can get out of any crisis. Only then will you understand what a real relationship is.
And to make this happen as soon as possible, I highly recommend that you sit down right now and write how you are attacking your man. And share your feelings/discoveries.
