"Men are so goddamn stupid. All they do is talk to hear themselves speak. Then they say something dumb that hurts your feelings and start trying to backtrack when you call them out.

Men are so goddamn stupid. I don't know why I ever thought to get myself involved with boys. I heard my mom talk about how inconsiderate they were, but I guess I had to see for myself.

Well, now I've seen all I've needed to, and I'd like to announce my retirement.

This speech, right here, is dedicated to all 23 of my boyfriends — each and every one of you did nothing for me. I've been thinking about how my life would be without all of y'all. I've come to the conclusion that if I would've put all my efforts into — I don't know, let's just say a job — I could be owning a multi-million dollar business by just about now. Man, you all have really wasted my time. Hey, but I'm the idiot that allowed this... this... nonsense.

That's all this really is anyways, nonsense.

No. 3 broke my heart sophomore year after cheating on me for five — yes, you heard right — five years.

No. 6 just liked how I looked, and that's all he will ever like so that's why he continues to call me even though there will be several years in between when I actually pick up.

No. 16 was supposed to be my best friend before anything else, but then I got "too emotional," so we couldn't be friends anymore. I didn't even care when he ducked out though. There were only 15 before him to prepare me for it.

No. 19 took me on the worst first date ever, yet for some reason, I continued to allow this. Man, I actually fell in love with No. 20 on accident... and now there's you babe.

You're now probably waiting for me to tell you how you are the exception, but you're not the exception.

No. 20 might've been, but you definitely are not. I know this is really early in our relationship, but sitting here next to you, I've just become very uncomfortable, and I've decided I just don't really want to do this anymore. And I don't feel apologetic for it."

She held her glass in the air and shouted,"To being single!" The audience's eyes were gaping, mouths at a loss for words, but she just sat down and started eating her spaghetti, not caring that the sauce was dripping onto her long, white dress.