The first time I ever saw Chase Whatley, he was lying in his casket, with various Legos he had built and army figurines, which was draped with his middle school football jersey. I had never been to a young person’s funeral before. All my life it had always been older family friends who died of natural causes or cancer. As hard as it was to be at the viewing of this 12-year-old, it was also very difficult because I had never attended a funeral or viewing for a suicide before. I went because Chase is one of my best friend’s cousins. I remember seeing how hard it had impacted Zoë and struggling to imagine how much harder it was for his immediate family members. I remember how packed it was inside of the funeral home and not being able to believe how many people were trying to squeeze into this tiny room in order to see Chase. I remember all of his teammates arriving and surrounding his casket. There was so much devastation everywhere and I had no idea what to do or how to handle it. All I could think about were all the times I had contemplated not existing anymore, as many teenagers have done growing up. I asked Zoë to recall her experience during the loss of Chase:
“When I found out what had happened, my heart shattered. Not only for him, but also for his immediate family, for my brother, for his grandparents, his younger and older sisters. See, Chase was family to me. He was one of my cousins who was actually closer to my age that my brother and I grew up and played with as kids at all of the family functions. All these people that I knew would never be able to forget something like this. I started asking myself “what if”, “who else”, and even blamed myself for not doing more for him. It broke my heart to think about the ways that his immediate family must have been feeling. I watched so many of my family members cope in their own way with the loss, and nothing was ever really the same. At all of the family events whether I consciously wanted to or not, I was always looking for him around the dinner table, or playing outside, or just hoping that instead this year he was actually spending time with his Dad’s family instead and that that was why he wasn’t actually there.
It was especially hard having the unexpected funeral fall on the same weekend as the expected wedding of one of our other cousins on the same side of the family. The same family members, who had been breaking down one day at a funeral over Chase’s death, were rejoicing another day at a wedding celebrating new life for the happy couple. The word death had such a sting to it, and it definitely drove home the point that weekend, that nothing in our lives is certain. One of the most valuable things I learned from this experience was that it is so vitally important for us to love and be loved by the people around us, no matter what. We have to tell people how we really feel, and show them what love really means--even if it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s hard, even when people have wronged us, even when it’s hard to be vulnerable, all we need is love. Love can make all the difference in our lives, and it can change the hearts and minds of those around us. #DoItForChase"
Unfortunately, this was also the first time I had met his mother, Nicki. Nicki has become a good friend of mine since, through various family events I’ve attended with Zoë and her family, and has very graciously shared Chase’s story with me:
“Chase was usually a really happy, funny kid with a mischievous grin and a twinkle in his eye. He had a silly high-pitched laugh that would echo wherever he was. He had one dimple. He loved to play practical jokes and put things in people's shoes. He had such a kind heart and loved to help out his fellow students who needed a friend. I have had his classmates tell me that Chase friended them when no one else would and helped walk them to class when they were on crutches. Little things like that were what Chase was about.”
Chase started 6th grade at Jessie Clark Middle School and was a great asset to their football team. During the same year, Chase struggled to cope with the divorce of his mom and his stepdad. After losing interest in school, grades dropping, having angry outbursts and threatening suicide, Nicki and Chase’s father, Jason, decided to send Chase to therapy. They took his threats very seriously. In the 7th grade, things seemed to be better for Chase. Relationships were growing; he was very involved in football and had plans for future school functions.
On October 16, 2013, Nicki received a phone call at 5pm that Chase had not shown up for school.
“I called his dad, whom he lived with, who told me he thought that Chase was at football practice. I told him that practice had been canceled. He asked Ernest, Chase's step-dad, to go over to his house to see if he had skipped school. He found him upstairs in the back bedroom. I just remember getting a text that said, ‘Chase has shot himself’. I only live about four minutes from him but it seemed to take an eternity to get there and I really wasn't sure what to expect. I just thought he had shot himself in the foot. I never thought that my son would be dead. I don't think that it is ever in a parent's mind. I struggled with many What if's and Why's and finally settled into my grief. People waited four hours at the funeral home to pay their respects to us.”
It has been almost three years since Chase’s death but the effects of his suicide are still being felt today. Nicki decided to go back to school to become a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner. During her studies, she found that Chase had all the symptoms of a mood disorder and had overlooked them, just like so many others do. Nicki and Jason, Chase’s Dad, were able to come closer together over the 10 month period of time it took for them to pick out and design Chase’s tombstone. Chase’s siblings, Casey and Cara, have both become activists for suicide prevention in their educational careers. Casey, 18, became involved in the mentoring program at Jessie Clark, where Chase went to school, to help students transition from middle school to high school. Cara, 13, is motivated and driven by Chase to succeed.
“We are very grateful to have the amazing memories that we have of him. He was an amazing kiddo and I miss him every day. We have all found a way to find strength in our tragedy, courage to face life without a part of us, and triumph over small successes like simply getting out of bed or remembering to breathe some days. Chase made us great in life and he has made us great in death.”
There are various websites to visit for information on suicide prevention. The most informative can be found here. You can read about all different kinds of warning signs for each age group, treatment/hotlines, what to do with people who are showing signs, who to go to, etc. You can make a difference in suicide prevention by knowing the signs and taking action. Never take a threat lightly.
“I can't bring Chase back, but my hope is that I can help educate others in order to prevent tragedies like what happened to Chase from occurring. His website is www.chase.whatley.muchloved.com. Feel free to visit and look around. There are pictures and memories. Leave a note if you'd like.”
If you know someone who has struggled with thoughts of suicide or attempted, don’t wait. Over fifty percent of suicidal deaths are due to firearms; remove them from the home if there is someone struggling with suicide. If anything, do it for Chase. If you are struggling with suicide, you’re not alone. There are so many places and people you can go to. You have options even though they might be hard to see.
With that, you are loved…no matter how hard that may be to see.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
“You’re not alone. Confidential help is available for free.”
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours every day
Listening to “The Nutritionist” by Andrea Gibson.
