One day near the end of freshman year of college, two friends of mine and I were in my dorm room hanging out and talking about all kinds of things, but mostly past relationships with guys we've had. Suddenly one of them asked me what my body count is. I can honestly say that at that point in my life not only was I a virgin at the time, but I barely had any idea what that term meant so in my head I immediately thought "Body count...as in how many bodies I've caught in basketball? I've never played basketball. I've always been the cheerleading type. *Gasp* What if she means how many people I've killed before?" Looking back on it now I could've easily used context clues to figure it out, but I went ahead and straight up asked her what she meant anyway.
"Body count as in..."
"As in...how many guys have you slept with?"
"Oh. None yet...I'm still a virgin." I didn't even say it with any confidence because I was partly debating on whether I should've lied and give a higher number so I wouldn't be looked at as the virgin of the group. I remember the way the energy changed in the room. You could almost hear a pin drop. I didn't really know what their reaction was going to be, but they ended up saying that they thought it was pretty cool that I was still waiting. Then when I asked them what their body count was, it was as if they felt like their number was too high due to the fact that mine was nonexistent. Not that I particularly felt any judgment during that conversation, but I couldn't help but wonder why I felt so sheepish about telling them how many guys I had slept with (or massive lack thereof). I also wondered why they felt hesitant to tell their number after finding out that I didn't even have a number to tell. At the end of the day, does the number even matter? No.
First of all, the amount of sexual partners a person has doesn't define who they are, and it isn't necessarily a predictor of how they'll act in a relationship. There are definitely some people who may have a deep and destructive reason behind their sexual behavior, but mostly what I've come to find is that people who have had a handful of sexual partners just likes sex at the end of the day and there's not much to analyze about it. Second, there's usually a double standard between women and men anyway so if it truly matters for everyone then why are things looked at differently for women rather than men? The short and sweet answer is misogyny, of course. Plus women who have a certain number in general are looked down upon as "sluts" or "easy" even if their body count is the exact same as other males whereas guys are almost praised for how many women they sleep with as though it were a competition. If they aren't actively praised then people shrug their shoulders and say the classic line "Welp. Boys will be boys." It's truly absurd. Third, the actual definition of sex itself is not always consistent. When discussing sex, most of the time you'll usually see it viewed in a hetero-normative way as if penile-vaginal sex is the ultimate way to define going all the way as if girls don't have sex with other girls and guys don't have sex with other guys. If penile-vaginal sex is the ultimate definition of sex then does that technically change when people of the LGBTQ community can be considered non-virgins? Some will yes and some will say no. But even within a hetero-normative context, the definition of what counts as sex to begin with can be blurry. I recall one scene in Mean Girls where Regina George is in her bedroom crying about her breakup with Aaron Samuels and she says this memorable line:
What does "half a virgin" mean anyway? Does it mean she's only 50% a virgin because she engaged in oral sex before, but not penetrative sex? If she had anal sex instead of penetrative sex, would that make her 75% a virgin? These are questions that help dismantle the obsession with body counts because different people may have different definitions of sex altogether. Even if everyone in the universe did agree what what constitutes sex, there would still be a debate on what number is considered a little, a lot, or way too many for a body count.
If we're gonna play devil's advocate for a sec then there's only one situation in which I can understand where the amount of someone's sexual partners may be an issue. If you're anything like me and have grown up around most of the same people your entire life or have had experience going to smaller schools then there's a huge chance that no matter who you date, they probably will have been with other people you're familiar with or know personally. This scenario probably won't be a problem unless your partner actually asks who you've slept with specifically. Then you might be in trouble if it turns out that you've slept with one or more of their co-workers, friends, ex friends, family members, enemies, etc. This reminds me of a scene from Friends in which Rachel and Ross are having a conversation about the people they've slept with in the past and Rachel starts naming the different guys, but things take a turn as soon as she mentions one in particular. She says "Oh, please! That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, you know, meaningless animal sex." After visibly seeing how hurt Ross looked she immediately stated "Okay, you know, that sounded so much better in my head."
Nevertheless, when you truly want to be with someone then you'll come to find that things in life that society deems crucial really doesn't hold as much weight. If you love that person and that person loves you then you can conquer that awkwardness of who and how many they've been with before you.
