Someone once told me something along the lines of "you can't care about everything. You have to do what you think is right, what you think is good for yourself, and screw what anybody thinks. You have to live for you and only you because once you do that, the world seems a whole lot bigger and all that little stuff seems...well...smaller. Let go of dead weight. That's what this all comes down to."
She wasn't wrong.
As someone growing up as the only child in a middle class (and loving) family, I've tried to surround myself with a solid group of people that I can trust and go to for anything. "Friends". Yeah. That's the word for it. And I've done this in hopes that these "friends" would create with myself a bond that I could use to my advantage to where I could someday call them "family". A best friend who I see as a sister. A best guy friend who I see as an older, protective brother. Because who doesn't want friends like this who love you, care for you and your well being, and in the end wish that all you are is undeniably happy?
Unfortunately, on my quest to find these kinds of relationships, I've found that "friend" has become a very, very, loose term. It's as if you've hung out with a person one time, you're suddenly "friends". What ever happened to being merely acquainted? And on the flip side of things, with "friend" being so casually tossed around like a pizza, it's much easier for close bonds to collapse. One day you're "friends", the next you barely talk and you're left on "read at 4:19 pm".
Now, I've gone through the motions. I would say that within the last year I've cycled through at least three different friend groups. There was nothing wrong with the groups themselves, it's just that none them...fit me. When you enter a friend group, you want to feel welcome. You know? You want to feel secure, like their arms are open for you. In none of these groups did I ever feel that way.
It's October now, and recently, I've, yes, gone through another group. I have several people who I'm not sure what terms I'm currently on with because I've done the one thing I've never thought I've been capable of doing: I've left the negative impacts behind.
What does that mean though? Because I just said that "there was nothing wrong with the groups themselves" and followed it up with "negative impacts". That means that if at any point in your life, that you do not feel welcome by the ones who you have taken it upon yourself to trust...then leave. Don't keep guessing why they're treating you unfairly or not treating you like anything at all, don't question why they never call or text or make plans.
If someone wants you in their life and thinks of you as valuable, THEY MAKE AN EFFORT. If they don't? Screw them.
I'm coming up on 19 at the end of the year, and never in my life have I been happier than right now. I just got hired at a new job, I have my license, and I did this all within a week after ditching some of that dead weight. The biggest and greatest lesson I have ever taught myself is that you don't owe anybody or this world anything, and you should never, ever settle for anything less than you deserve. If the people you left behind question you, then you tell them it's because you're better off. Not in a rude way, of course. But remind them that you are in this for you, and if they can't deliver, then that's on them.
More to the point, though: find your FRIENDS. Not the loose use of the word, either. I mean find your family. Your adoptive family. Find the ones that you can trust. The number one thing people make the mistake of doing is giving themselves to someone who doesn't deserve it and betrays them in the end. There is never an easy way to tell if a friendship will last, but it's a good indication that if they're only in your life sometimes, that it's easier just to say good riddance.
To dumb all this down, here's a checklist.
1. Ditch the ghosts. They don't text? Bye. They don't call? See ya. Obviously, there are busy people, but once you're the one doing all the texting and calling and being denied kick backs or movie dates when you know for a fact that they're free, the friendship has officially become one sided and that isn't fair.
2. Ditch the bitterness. I've come to realize that in the past, I've spent entirely too much time being upset over what this person did to me, what that person said about me, whatever the case. One of the other biggest favors that you can do yourself is forgive. Or, pretend to, at least. I don't forgive very easily. I don't believe in second chances if it's already clear to me that what happened will happen again. People have come to me for forgiveness and I've told them "thank you for your concern, but no thank you". Whatever someone did to you, like I said, you owe them nothing if they really hurt you. But you DO owe it to yourself to let it go. Be kind, and be rational. It makes you look bad if you continue to be accusatory and attack them for it. But if ditching the bitterness means unblocking people, stopping all the gossip, whatever, then do it. Move on. That problem or that thing that you worry about constantly never happened. It's over.
3. Don't stress. I know a lot of us ask ourselves "how are they doing without me? Do they miss me at all?" It doesn't matter. I'm sure a lot of us also find comfort in knowing that we're doing better off than the person we left behind, and sometimes, we want to brag by posting how much fun we’re having on our Snapchat stories for them to see. But in truth, don't even think about it. Don't worry about what him or her are doing or what they see you doing. They have their thing, you have yours. Sometime, if you leave them behind, they'll realize how different things are without you and how much they took your company for granted.
4. Look ahead (and be grateful). "Look ahead" means the opposite of "worry about the future". It really means live in the moment and know that better things are coming. Be grateful for what you have. Enjoy yourself and build yourself and do what feeds your soul. Don't fret about the could-be's or would-be's, but rather enjoy the are's and is's. If that boy won't date you, he's still your friend, right? Enjoy that. If that concert was too expensive to take a friend, but you still get to go, then hey—enjoy it by yourself!
5. Most importantly: live for you. You were made to exist for yourself, without outside influence. It took me so long to figure this out, but when you become independent, you WILL draw the right crowd. Your friends...I mean family...will come to you. Don't rely on your impression so much. They'll love you for you, and if they really are meant for you, then they will show it.
And don't forget all this. Times will be rough, but you need to show the world that you are capable. Be bold, be free, and be amazing. No one's holding you back but you.
