Alright, listen. I have a couple fun facts to drop on you.
In my days, I've seen (arguably too many) Disney flicks.
This semester, I'm in an Introduction to Philosophy course. It's been a whole, entire week since I started.
Combining those details obviously means that I am the most qualified philosopher to rank the ethics of movies made for children in our society, right? Right. So, here I go.
25. 'Dumbo'
Lesson: The circus is low-key evil and bullying others is childishly pointless. Hopefully, your parents taught you these simple messages and this depressing movie is rendered obsolete in the modern mindset.
24. 'Sleeping Beauty'
Lesson: I guess, do not touch sharp objects? Sure, that is a valid point for us dummies but the film lacks a profound effect on most of the kiddos (and adults) watching it in the present day.
23. 'Alice in Wonderland'
Lesson: We are all mad. I don't mean to sound like a Hot Topic shirt, but humans are keenly strange, some psychologists might argue that our behavior is a little insane. Oh, and minus points for how ambivalently trippy this rabbit hole idea is because it's slightly traumatizing.
22. 'Mary Poppins'
Lesson: Always be prepared. It helps if you have an endless satchel. Shoutout to the hardworking babysitters out there who know what I am talking about.
21. 'Bambi'
Lesson: This lesson is a tough pill to swallow but, hey, so are a lot of things that will happen to you in life. Your adorable doe of a mom might get shot by a hunter. Honestly, it is a harsh world out there, but don't let it make you jaded!
20. 'Peter Pan'
Lesson: Childhood is vibrant and fizzy, yet fleeting. Minus points for the Native American representation that is so weirdly outdated, I am a little uncomfortable even bringing it up.
19. 'Pinocchio'
Lesson: I will let Jiminy Cricket take it away when he contends, "always let your conscience be your guide". Thank goodness for general revelation. After all, this is what makes us "a real boy."
18. 'Tangled'
Lesson: In order to grow, you must step outside your comfort zone. So, let down your hair and take the plunge. Minus points for never getting your nose right.
17. 'Hercules'
Lesson: Don't get caught up in the fame. Even if you're a Greek legend.
16. 'The Little Mermaid'
Lesson: Do not let anyone take your voice from you. Minus points for the whole moral tale that says to alter your physiology to be with a hot guy you saw once.
15. 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'
Lesson: Insecurities can be your downfall; if you let them affect your attitude and behavior enough, they can make you into an Evil Queen that will do anything to be the "fairest of them all". Minus points because of Prince Creepy, who kisses Snow in her sleep for the experimental sake of waking her up, which is not how the scientific method works FYI.
14. 'Cinderella'
Lesson: It takes guts to forgive your villains. Cinderella could've retaliated against her step-mother and step-sisters, but she killed them with kindness and strutted away, glass slippers and a prince in clutch. Mercy is justice. I'm not meaning to kink-shame any foot fetishes out there but minus points for a marriage based on shoe size.
13. 'The Jungle Book'
Lesson: Your family is more than blood, who has your last name, or even who is the same species as you.
12. 'Pocahontas'
Lesson: People are people, even if they don't look or think like you. This concept is all too relevant, today. Minus points for perpetuating the "happy-at-one-with-nature" Native American stereotype.
11. 'Lady and the Tramp'
Lesson: Life is like art. First impressionisms are seldom photorealistic portraits.
10. 'The Princess and the Frog'
Lesson: Diligent work makes the dream work. Tiana represents a wonderful role model in that she plays the main role in one of only Disney movies with a distinct tale of the American Dream. We are pro-her. Minus points for possibly telling kids to kiss reptiles, if observational learning in cognitive psychology has taught us anything. I mean, we eat Tide Pods, don't put it above us.
9. 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame'
Lesson: An unlikely hero can come out of the loneliest places.
8. 'Aladdin'
Lesson: Your class does not define you. It doesn't matter how big your bank account is, we all have the same emotions. Bonus points for Robin Williams, that's all.
7. 'Beauty and the Beast'
Lesson: Your inner beauty should always surpass your outer beauty. Bonus points for inspiring girls to read with Belle's insatiable thirst for knowledge beyond this provincial life. Minus points for (possible) interpretational promotion of Stockholm Syndrome.
6. 'Moana'
Lesson: Listen to that incessant little dream that is always in the back of your mind. Trust me, (and Disney!).
5. 'The Emperor's New Groove'
Lesson: People can change. You can change! Even our protagonist, Kuzco, begins the film as a Machiavellian narcissist and humorously learns to be a kind ruler to the masses.
4. 'Lion King'
Lesson: So, bad stuff happened to you in the past? Simba's in the same boat. I mean, his dad got murdered (Hamlet-style) for crying out loud. Don't run away from the uncontrollable past. Now, embrace your responsibility to your community because life is in session. Bonus points for "Hakuna Matata" *actually* being a wonderful phrase and a catchy tune.
3. 'Frozen'
Lesson: The love of your life does not have to be romantic. Also, don't bottle up your emotions. It ain't healthy, girl. Bonus points to Disney for reversing a trope and teaching kids not to marry someone after a few hours.
2. 'Lilo and Stitch'
Lesson: Answered prayers can look different than what you expected, but they can still be Ohana to you.
1. 'Mulan'
Lesson: Be strong – in your will, your mind, your family, your country, and your identity. This is incredibly vital to teach the next generation. Also, stop wasting your money for haircuts, just effortlessly swing a sword for that perfect warrior bob. Bonus points for young female empowerment!
