“Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title.” — Virginia Woolf
I recently observed an interesting exchange between two people I have become acquainted with this summer. The two have experienced microaggressions since meeting each other, to the point that they have gone out of their way to avoid crossing paths. For a long time, everyone assumed it would simply be easier to keep them isolated, but in a number of situations this was nearly impossible. After yet another argument today, the one turned to a friend in the room once the other left and exclaimed, “I just cannot stand how loudly she talks! She is always going on about something or other and it makes me really stressed. I just need a quiet environment to complete these tasks and with her around; I cannot think.”
A moment later, the other reentered the room, apologized, and thanked the woman for being honest. She explained that while she had not meant to overhear the conversation, it really helped her to understand the nature of the issue and it provided her a solution she could help with.
This reminded me of a young man I met at camp several years ago. Due to a speech impediment, he struggled with musical rhythms and keeping time in his piano playing. He was too embarrassed to let the coach know and ask for help, but once I spent a little time with him and he opened up to me, we were able to come up with some different practice solutions and resolve the challenges. It was amazing what a difference spending time working out a positive solution made, both in his music and his confidence!
Every person comes from such a different background, and is defined by a completely unique set of experiences. It is impossible to know about someone we have only just met, yet so often we make assumptions as to how they will react or that they will view things the same way we do. Often, these poorly founded assumptions lead to conflict and unhappiness. From what I have noticed, many of these conflicts can reach a happy resolution easily.
If someone is on a different page, it is nearly impossible to understand them from your perspective. It sounds cliché, but putting yourself in another’s shoes is an essential skill for friendships, relationships and work environments. If experiencing conflict, sometimes simply asking the other person, “Is there something I can do to improve our relationship?” is all it takes to achieve resolution. By giving the other person a chance to air their grievances, you can better understand where they are coming from, and more often than not they will give you a chance to reciprocate! This requires both of you to lay down your arms and be flexible, possibly even changing things you had never considered troublesome. Before turning to violence and anger, all we need is to try to understand the other side and be slightly willing to compromise.
