I am a part of Campus Outreach at the College of Charleston. For people who do not know what Campus Outreach is, it is a student led ministry on college campuses. Our mission is to glorify God by building laborers on the campus for the lost world. In other words, it means that students are sharing their faith on the campus to not only make followers, but to make disciples, so that they will go and make other disciples. This is discipleship, which God calls us to be a part of (Matthew 28:19).
This summer, I dedicated my life to discipleship through the Leadership Project that Campus Outreach hosts every year. This was my second year, but instead of being a "disciple," I came back as a part of the leadership team. I was a room leader, and my mission/job/priority of this summer was to walk alongside two women in their walks with Christ. In reality, I was on the same level as them: walking with Christ, being a sinner and in need of a Savior. Being a room leader was not something our society or culture could teach me. I did not have powerful authority over my girls. I was not going to pretend that I had it all together. I could not be perfect for them even if I tried. Despite that reality, it gave me the opportunity to be broken in front of my girls. It gave me the opportunity to show them that I need Jesus just as much as they do.
Coming in to the summer, I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I could not wait to see what God had planned for us as a room. I was excited about what He had planned for us individually as daughters of God. I was nervous that they would misunderstand me, that they would have high expectations on me as their room leader. I was nervous that I would not love them enough, that I would not sacrifice enough for them. I wanted to love them and I wanted them to know that. My tendency as a sinner, however, is to push people away and to not show love. I have anxiety. I have depression, and I let all of that affect my relationships with others. It can come off to others as the opposite of what I want to show them, indifference and selfishness.
On June 4, 2016, every person on project wrote down their goal for the summer and put them in envelopes. I wrote, "Loving my girls and trusting God with my anxiety and depression so that it does not affect their relationship with me."
It was hard. My anxiety and depression was noticeable to them. There was an occasion where I let my depression and anxiety completely overwhelm me. There was a social for all the students to go to, and I had permission to skip. My girls did not know any of this at the time and I did not tell them. I just isolated myself in our room. I remember that it hurt. I was so angry with God that He designed me this way: introverted, depressed and anxious. Despite that sin, God showed grace to me that day. My girls came to my room, knowing that I was not OK. They saw that I did not have it all together. They saw that I was not perfect. Instead of judging me, they comforted me. They supported me. They loved me. They got me to smile and to go back outside in my community. In that moment, I felt like they were leading me.
About two months later, we opened our envelopes and we reflected on what God had done in our lives the past eight weeks. I read my note card and immediately was taken back to the time I had a meltdown and received grace from God through my disciples. Not only did God reach my goal for me, but He showed me love through the two girls that I was leading this summer. He showed me that being broken in front of my disciples was a good thing. He showed me that my "meltdown" was glorifying to Him because it showed my girls that we are in need of a Savior. I do not regret anything that happened this summer, because I know all of it happened for a reason.
As my time as a room leader ends, I pray that my two girls will take what they learned and make other disciples. And in that, they will do a better job than myself.
