Growing up I always felt like the black sheep of the family. No matter how much I tried to make my parents happy it just seemed like everything always backfired on me. I remember moments in my childhood when I wanted to go on vacations with my family members but for some reason, it was always hard for me to go because on a BS excuse or whatever.
I remember moments in my childhood where I was bashed a lot over a lot of things including my performance in school, or whatever someone can think of that I had done wrong over a span of several months. All of this did nothing but make me very angry and depressed. This made things worse but hey, how can a child with no emotional support at the time handle a family that seemed like they were always against her.
The thought of not being good enough had always been in my mind for years. It was like a thought that was living rent-free in my head, but also a thought I could not evict. Every mistake I made, big or small seemed to always go unnoticed by people around me. People who were supposed to have my back, and guide me. Instead of being lifted up with some encouraging words and advice I felt as if I was repeatedly being kicked.
Experiencing all this may seem like it would break me, but nope. Instead, it made me a stronger and wiser person. I remember laying in bed and suddenly being hit with this satisfaction that "I was honestly okay with not being who people expected me to be." I was fine with the fact that no matter what I do I would never be enough for my own mother. Many kids who grew up trying their hardest to make their family happy may never settle with this mindset and I honestly do not blame them.
It is hard to learn how to please yourself when you grew up thinking about others, but at the end of the day, it is a challenge that only a few can accept. Something I had realized was that no matter how much good you do in this world or how much you are good to the people around you it will never be enough. It will never be enough not because you are the problem but because the people you are "not enough" for are not even satisfied with themselves and their own lives.
The hardest pill to swallow in all this is the fact that this can also apply to your own family. If there is anything you should never be fooled over it is the fact that just because you may have family members who work successful careers and seem to be having a good life, does not mean that those family members are really happy. If you have a family member who constantly criticizes you it is only because they are lacking something in their own lives that they wish they had that you have.
If there is anything someone who feels like they are not enough should always know, it is that you matter and you are worthy of yourself. It can be hard at times but if people want to talk about you let them talk because at the end of the day they won't have your back like you have your own.
