If you're like me, you understand completely that life is full of mountain tops and valley lows. All I wanted in 2018 was to make it to the top of these mountains in my life I've tried so hard to conquer. But what seemed like I was climbing mountains quickly turned into me feeling like I've just been digging trenches leading to nowhere and conquering nothing, especially mountains. When you find yourself at this place, like I have, you feel hopelessly defeated. You look back and all you see are these pathways you've cleared but the mountains are still there. Still there, taunting you that you couldn't make it to the top. They say, "You're so weak." "Look at you! Even with God on your side you STILL couldn't conquer me." "You're just a hopeless cause aren't you?" "No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough for anything or anyone. Even the things God blesses you with." Quickly these voices become my voices and I find myself in utter pain and despair for the things I've tried so hard to conquer, yet feel I've failed miserably. But what if I've been viewing this whole thing wrong? What if i was never meant to stand on these mountains? What if this whole time I've been digging trenches, it's actually because I'm meant to move the mountain, not conquer it?
Sometimes I think I set out to do jobs that I am not qualified to do. For example, when I love someone, I love them with every part of who I am. I want nothing but the best for them and their happiness means more to me than my own. I'll go to great lengths to prove my loyalty, love, affection, honesty, trust, and I want to fix everything that needs mending with the other person and myself. And when that fails, and that mountain can't be conquered, the voices return. "You'll never be enough for anyone." "No one will ever choose you." "Quit trying so hard. You look ridiculous." But what I've learned is that's not my job. It's not my job to conquer a mountain that I don't have the ability to climb. Jesus is the only one who mends things in me and anyone that's broken or needs mending. So all the time I spend pouring into those I truly love, it's not for nothing. It'll never be for nothing, and it'll never be for nothing for you either.
When I finally realized what my job is, I stop being so disappointed. In all actuality, I should know God didn't call me to conquer mountains but I can't even climb a flight of stairs and look over the banister without getting dizzy and wanting to faint (insert monkey with hands over its eyes emoji). So why would I think God called me to conquer certain mountains when a sister don't even climb?!
These past few months have been some of the most defeating and discouraging times I have faced. The mountains I thought I was conquering quickly threw me back to the valley with my shovel and I began digging in the trenches again. I felt so betrayed by God and others. If He lead me here for this long and this many times, then why did He make this impossible? Why did He give me so much hope and desires for something that He never intended to do? I was hurt, defeated, broken, saddened, hopeless, scared, depressed, anxious, and anything else I could think of. The hurt and defeat shook my core and my spirit. I began asking the questions of one with little faith. "Are You really Who You say You are? Are You for everyone or do You just have certain people that's for?" "You've seen me everyday trying so hard and believing in what You've done and when You finally get me right to the place I've been praying so hard for, You snatch it away." "WHY?! Why am I never enough for YOU, GOD?"
As I type out the honest questions and pleas I asked (yelled) at God over and over these past few months, I thought I'd be embarrassed or ashamed to tell this. But the truth is, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed in the least. Why? Because I know what I have been going through is to help someone else. Someone else who feels that God has lied to them, abandoned them, not for them, or just does't care about them. I'm here to tell you this morning my friend, do not believe the lies of the enemy. The same lies he feeds me, he feeds you. That's one thing about the devil. He never really changes up his tactics. Why? Because he knows he can say the same stupid lies to us over and over and we're going to believe him. But I recently heard a song and I encourage you also if you're facing a battle with the lies of the enemy to give it a listen. It's by Hillsong United called "Not Today". The lyrics I've been saying to myself are "Whenever I say Your Name, let the devil know not today". Please if you feel like you're in a hopeless situation regardless if it's self-inflected or because God Himself put you there, let the devil know not today. He can't have your mind, thoughts, heart, or soul.
Since I've been honest before about my depression and anxiety, I'll be honest with you again that I really wasn't sure I was going to make it out. I didn't know what to pray anymore. I didn't know what/who to trust and I just knew all the progress I had made within myself of conquering so many of my demons, past, and chains would quickly come back and overtake me again. Because I wouldn't let God in my heart to heal it, I turned cold to anything that would come to me from Him. I caused a great separation between the One true mountain conqueror. See, all these mountains that were set before me I wasn't supposed to conquer. That was/is Jesus' job. He's the One who changes the hearts of people and does what needs to be done. I can't make anyone change their heart or choose certain things. My job is to have faith that through my love I give others they'll see Him and He'll do the rest. He handed me a shovel to dig the trenches that would move the mountains. Just this morning in a way only God can, He put Matthew 21:21 on my heart, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can even say to this mountain, 'May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and it will happen." I don't know about you but that makes me pretty hopeful that all this trench digging I've been doing isn't for nothing and it's certainly not for nothing for you either.
One last thing I want to leave with you is this. No matter how defeating or impossible your situation might be right now, I want you to know that the Lord cannot lie. His word says, "God is not a man, so He does not lie. He is not human, so He does not change His mind. Has He ever spoken and failed to act? Has He ever promised and not carried it through?" -Numbers 23:19. I know, my sweet friend, you may think that I don't know or understand your situation and that God could never restore what's happened to you, what you've done, or what's been lost. If you're not sure of this whole "Jesus" thing, you're not too sure if it's for you because it'll cost you too much, or you're not too sure you're even really sure you know Him, can I invite you right now to ask Him into your heart? I have to ask for forgiveness of my sins daily because I fall short many times. That's all you have to do is ask Him to forgive you of your sins, be your Savior, admit He is the Son of God and died for you, and to please save your broken, weary heart. He does the rest. I telling you with a heart that's been restored in the faith of my Father that He can and He will cause all things to work together for the good (Romans 8:28), your good, my good, the ones' you love good. Don't try to conquer the mountains God Himself is meant to conquer for you. While we are made more than conquerors through Christ Jesus, let's conquer the mountains in our lives by grabbing the shovel, digging our trenches, and moving those mountains. It only takes the faith of a mustard seed.
