Sometimes it's hard to identify yourself when you come from more than one ethnic background. You can identify racially as white, but ethnically speaking, you have various identities: Irish, Polish, German, and more.
At first glance, it's kind of hard to really pinpoint what ethnicity I am, at least so I've been told. Right off the bat, you could safely assume that I'm some sort of Asian, but also, you could probably safely assume that I'm not just one type of Asian because I'm not.
When people first meet me, some people can really see the Filipino in me, while others can see the Japanese and Hawaiian. I'd get some pretty comical remarks when I told them what I was, with the most recurring one being: "No way! You don't look like you're [insert ethnicity they didn't think I was but actually am]!". So what ethnicity am I really? Well, I'm Filipino, Japanese, Hawaiian, German, AND Portuguese! At least according to my birth certificate, I am!
Trust me when I say that I love coming from such a diverse background, but also, know that when I reached high school, it felt like a self-identifying nightmare. However, it wasn't always like that. When I was a little kid, it was so much fun! I was constantly exposed to my Japanese, Hawaiian, and Filipino heritage thanks to spending time with my Japanese great-grandparents, Hawaiian great-grandparents, and my Filipino grandparents. Going to family gatherings with them was easy because I felt like I fit in with everyone around me, we all had some sort of Filipino, Hawaiian, or Japanese in us, and however much we had of each didn't matter so much. I don't know how this mindset changed when I got older, but it did.
For me personally, I never really felt like I fit in around my friends at school after I moved to the Mainland. I found it difficult to identify as part of the Filipinos because I was only half and because Mainland Filipinos and Hawaii Filipinos were a bit different, simply because we were exposed to different things. I also found it difficult to identify as part of the Japanese and Hawaiians. I'm only a quarter Japanese, so when I'm around friends who are more in touch with their Japanese heritage, I feel a little out of place.
The same goes when I'm around friends who are Hawaiian. It's been a little over ten years since I've lived in Hawaii, and I've stopped regularly visiting Maui, the island I spent my childhood on, so I feel out of place with that too. Trying to implement myself as part of these groups only made me feel fake even though the authenticity was real. After all, it's not like I was pretending to be Japanese, Hawaiian, or Filipino, but identifying as one or the other was extremely difficult.
The best way to describe this sort of "ethnic impostor syndrome" is like spirit week in high school. Every day during spirit week was a different theme, and for the sake of example, let's say the theme of the day is "adventurer". Although you're not as dressed up as you'd like to be, like the others who are rocking their khaki shorts, ankle socks, safari hat, and tropical print button up, you at least wore khaki shorts and can borrow the safari hat from the kid next to you. This is more than enough to get in the class picture, but at the same time, it's a little embarrassing because you don't own nearly the same stuff as the other kids who went all out for spirit week, but at least you participated, right? So you stand out a little more than you'd like to and feel a bit out of place despite what looks like a minimal attempt at spirit week.
Despite these feelings of being out of place, I found that I can't just solely identify as Filipino or Hawaiian. I shouldn't have to conform to a single ethnic identity just for the sake of "fitting in" or being comfortable. I should be comfortable in my own skin, and if that's as identifying as Japanese, Hawaiian, Filipino, German, AND Portuguese, then that's the way the cookie crumbles!
