I am trapped.

In a winter wonderland.

Wondering why I couldn't save her.

Wondering why I'm here alone.

Wondering how I'm going to make it through another Christmas.

My winter wonderland does not consist of sparkling snow and fresh pines shedding from a Christmas tree.

It's a time of despair.

Sorrow.

Mourning.

Memories.

Wonder.

Wondering what it would be like to have her here again.

Wondering why she had to leave.

Wondering what a holiday means without her.

My winter wonderland is not a joy filled place.

It is not admiring the beauty of the lights as they sit on frost covered rooftops.

It is

"What if's"

"What could've been's"

"What happened's"

"What's next's"

Wonder.

Wondering why it was her.

Wondering why not me.

Wondering how it all ended like this.

My winter wonderland is not a place full of carols and family laughter.

It is not a snow globe that brings beauty when it is shaken.

It is

Tears.

Nostalgia.

Desperation.

Heartache.

Wonder.

Wondering what she's doing.

Wondering if she can see us.

Wondering if she is with us.

I pray to God,

She is.

My wonderland is not gifts wrapped neatly with bows on the top.

It is not time for story telling,

That would only be too painful.

It is

One less gift

One less plate

One less voice

One less soul.

Wonder...

Wonder.

Wondering if this is what she'd want for us.

Wondering how sad she would be to see us like this.

Wondering how to help her live on.

My wonderland isn't like it used to be.

My wonderland shouldn't be like it used to be.

Now,

It is

Longer hugs

More "I love yous"

Greater love.

And a room filled with people who carry her legacy.

A room filled with people who will live on.

A room filled with people who know now

That she will too.

This is my new wonderland.

No longer trapped in the old one.

This wonderland holds something I never thought I'd have again:

Hope.

A hopeful wonder.