I’ve always been scared. Scared to talk to new people but scared to be by myself. Scared to venture out but scared to be stuck in one place. Scared to try new things but scared I was always missing out. The list could go on. I feel like I’ve always been this huge ball of stressful anxiety just waiting to explode. When I started college, I didn’t think I could ever do it on my own so it only makes sense I started off with my two best friends, my sisters from another family, my rocks all throughout high school. Moving away from home was a tough concept to grasp. You don’t have your own personal space. You don’t have your home-cooked meals. You don’t have the comfort and familiarity of your family and I’d be telling you a bold-faced lie if I told you I didn’t cry almost every night in the first few months of freshman year. But when you have the solace of your friends by your side, it’s never really that bad. Eventually though, the excitement wears off and you wish for home, you long for the memories you make with your family. I moved back home for school thinking it was best for me. I could never be too far from my mom for very long, calling her every night on the phone before bed became routine but it wasn’t good enough.

I’ve never been an outgoing person and I don’t think I ever will be, it’s just not in my nature. I find it difficult to make friends without the buffer of another person to steer the conversation. As a freshman, I found myself becoming friends with the friends of my two roommates but nothing long-lasting. I never found a friend on my own, I thought maybe it just wasn’t in the cards for me there.

The night before I started my first semester as a transfer student at my new university, I cried. I cried so hard my eyes were red and raw. It was just the uncertainty, the idea of change and being completely and totally alone. To be wholeheartedly out of your comfort zone is never a good feeling and I’ve always hated it, I don’t think anyone likes it if I’m being honest. But after the worry and absolute terrified gut feeling I had, I thought of this as a new beginning and a clean slate. A chance for me to be someone completely new in a place where no one knew who I was. Now I could tell you everything worked out and I made a fantastic best friend my first day, we connected unlike anyone else and that I couldn’t believe I was ever anxious in the first place. But it was really the exact opposite. I went into my old ways, secluded myself and stayed trapped in the reserved, loner of a person I’ve always been. There were days I didn’t even leave my dorm room and every weekend I went home, the thought of even spending any extra time in a place I was so entirely detached from didn’t sound appealing in the slightest.

The first transfer year was the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through, considering the amount of times I sobbed in the car with my mom every Sunday on the way back to university about how lonely and sad I was, how out of place I felt and how sinking the feeling was to be back in a place I just didn’t like. My mom was so concerned about me she even considered talking to me about going to see a therapist on campus that could help ease my feeling of unhappiness. She’d send me the occasional email from her work, “Just thinking about ya today, how are you?” and it was stuff like that that made me think maybe things will be okay.

Not much really changed through my time at college, I socialized with people in class occasionally. I talked about the assignment that was due last night and the huge end of the semester project but that was as far as the conversation went. I wasn’t as sad as I used to be but maybe I just got used to it and became complacent in that feeling. I never really figured it out. I found comfort in friends I met online and I still do to this day. I think I found it easier to find a friend through the idea of social media rather than a face-to-face interaction, I guess it was just the anonymity of it but also the fear of being judged was non-existent. I could be myself without the fear and anxiety of judgement right in front of my face.

You could ask some people about it and they’d think it’s weird, like why make friends online? How much of a loser can you be? I did a research paper for one of my courses during my time at college and I did it surrounding the impact of social media and how it affects personal relationships in one’s life. I remember discussing it with my professor, how someone can make friends online through social media interaction, and he remarked with something like, “so in other words, they don’t have a life.” It just struck me as another typical stereotype I really couldn’t blame him for being mentally programmed to think.

I’ve heard it time and time again that you make your best friends in college, that those are the people you keep in touch with forever and they’re the people who’ll be at your wedding, the ones who’ll live with you in a big, unknown city just dying to be explored but I really can’t back this up as true in my case. The friends I found were online, through common interests and same sense of humor. Same anxieties and worries. Same personalities but also same differences.

Although I found supportive friends through resources generations before us could only dream of, it didn’t stop the feeling of loneliness at times. I wished for the friends I found online to surround where I was so I wouldn’t be as alone or as anxious. It didn’t stop the feeling of utter embarrassment when I would go to a mandatory class event and I was by myself. I felt an overwhelming wave of nerves and anxiety constantly whenever I would go to class, just the idea of walking into the classroom before the teacher even began lecture and a few eyes would look up to see me striding in made me sick to my stomach. I would always be a constant ball of worry just waiting to pop. And what’s more frustrating than someone telling you, “Get out of your comfort zone! Try new things! You won’t regret it!” as if it’s that easy.

But while there’d been a lot of shrinking inside my shell and never coming out to see the light of day, there was a bit of growth as well. I got a job which is something I never imagined myself doing considering my fear of trying new things had grown substantially since starting college. I conquered a gruesome fear of public speaking several times in my courses by doing oral presentations but not without sweaty palms and constant rehearsing the night before. I began doing things on my own, not living in the persistent fear of being judged by anyone else because I was alone. That’s the thing, we all worry too much that if we’re seen alone people will think we’re “friendless.” I’ve taught myself that the idea of doing things independently doesn’t make you a loner, it makes you stronger even if it’s just eating alone.

Now in my last year of college, I found that it went by quicker than any of my other college years. The zero feeling of sentiment I’m currently experiencing isn’t even surprising, it honestly feels like any other day. While I’m happy to never enter a place where I felt so much anxiety ever again, I worry how I won’t be as busy anymore. The work distracted me from things going on in my life and it was always nice to have something to take you away even it was just for a little while.

I could say I regret how I approached the concept of college and wished I was more open to people, let someone in so maybe I wouldn’t be leaving with no fond memory whatsoever. I really do wish I was more vulnerable, more willing to let my guard down and not be so terrified to make a friend. But I believe things work out the way they do for a reason, there’s a reason I didn’t make close friends where I am right now because I’m meant to make them somewhere else. I’m meant to go somewhere I know I belong to. I’m meant to live with my online friends, who’ll soon become “real life” friends, in big, unknown cities ready to be explored. I’ve learned so much more than just about who I am which is the usual college discovery. I found out my passion, I love music and I love the entertainment world. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been more invested in the lives of celebrities more than my own, it’s nice to live in a fantasy for a bit. To distract yourself from the boring life you lead. But I also love the world of music and the other places it can take you. I’ve also learned it’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to be independent. It’s okay to feel sad that you’re alone but to remember there’s always someone there for you, even if it’s your mom or maybe a friend you made online.

I don’t think I’ll ever be fully able to overcome the crippling anxiety of embarrassment or putting myself out there, it’s just something that’s always going to be there. But it’s all about taking it one step at a time even if it’s just tiny, miniscule steps, to get to the finish line. Along the way you’ll have someone cheering you on and you’ll find something that’ll make you want to get out of bed the next day. You won’t be sad and lonely forever and you’ll look five years into your future and know exactly where you want to be. I haven’t quite gotten to that point yet but I know I have someone to lean on when things get tough and that I’m okay, it’ll work out and I’ll be everything I want to be in due time. That’s all that matters.