Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard the following quotes:
“I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who would never say sorry.” -Unknown
“Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free.” -Dave Willis
“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” -Najwa Zebian
Picture me as the hand raised emoji right now because I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve heard that we should just forgive the people who hurt us so we don’t end up being held back by our grudges.
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This is a load of horsecrap.
There’s a difference between moving on from something that hurt you and forgiving people who don’t deserve it. You do not have to forgive someone to let something go and move forward with your own life. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. If you’re going to maintain a relationship with someone who hurt you, you have to find a way to forgive them or you’ll find the same frustration rearing it’s ugly head again and again.
I’m tired, though, of the movement that pressures people to forgive in order to find inner peace. The concept is prominent even in religion, with one trademark statement being from the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” There’s pressure to release people by forgiving them everywhere, and I think it’s time we realize it’s not unhealthy to not forgive someone who hurts us.
Take, for instance, my ex-boyfriend from high school. Do I forgive him for being a serial cheater and ruining the summer after my senior year? You better believe I don’t. He shook my confidence and my trust in others, and he never felt bad enough about it to muster up the decency to apologize. Instead, I accepted what happened and worked to heal myself so I could move forward and trust that not everyone is like him. Forgiving someone absolves them of their wrongdoings, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to do that. I don’t release him from what he did, but I do move forward and I don’t let it hold me back.
To a degree, I think we associate not forgiving someone with remaining angry and being ‘just as bad’ as the one who hurt you, so we try to prove to ourselves and those around us that we’re better and more mature than the abusers of the world by saying we ‘forgive them’ even if we don’t, but we don’t need to do that. Not forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it doesn’t make you angry or a bad person. It may even be healthier than tricking ourselves into feeling better by saying we forgive our abusers, just to eventually feel as hurt as before.
Healing takes time, and there’s no way to speed up the process. No amount of forgiving someone can make what they did hurt or affect you less. You have to make peace with the event, not the person to move on from it. Strength after a bad experience comes from within. Once you make the decision to move on from the people who treat you badly, don’t let others pressure you into forgiving those people. You’re allowed to hold accountable for what they did. Don’t let bad experiences hold you back, and don’t hold onto anger, but your forgiveness is yours, and you shouldn't let others pressure you to give it up.
