This is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It is hard because I know my close friends and family will likely read this, but I think it's something that should be shared. I want to share my story, not for pity, not for attention, but rather to give someone strength in knowing he/she is not alone.

For the longest time, I didn't think I was raped. I validated it with the thought this happened because I let it happen. But that is not the case. I was not assaulted in a dark alley, there were no drugs or alcohol involved, and it was not a stranger. It was a close friend.

I got to know him over my senior year of high school. My friend Kate* and I would go over to his place almost every day to hang out with him and his friends. Soon enough, the entire group became friends. We did a lot together, and I fondly remember that period in my life as being one of the happiest.

I knew he was always attracted to me, but I never wanted the relationship to be anything more than friends; I was actually talking to one of his friends within the group at the time. And I let the guy who assaulted me clearly know that I was not interested in more than friendship. And I thought he was fine with that. Everything was going well, and as naive as I was, I never thought anything like this could happen to me.

It always gets stuck into our heads somehow that rape is something that happens to certain people but "not me". You hear stories of girls and guys who drank too much; you hear stories of people who were walking alone in the dark and were attacked. But the reality is that 3 out of 4 rapes are committed by someone who is known to the victim.

We were alone in his apartment and it was pretty late. But that was usual; I had been alone with him several times before. For him, this night was different. This night he would make his move. He asked me to come up to his bedroom to "show me something". And I was asked to sit down on his bed. I complied, but I told him several times that I had to leave because I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I didn't want to be sitting on his bed with him hovering over me. But I have always been the type of person to avoid awkwardness, so I just laid down as he asked and then he laid down beside me. I again conjured up the courage to say I needed to leave but he said no and gave me smile. I hated that smile. He said just lay here with me, and I thought that's all there was to it because he wouldn't hurt me. I let him kiss me but everything after that I never consented to. I said no so many times and never once said yes. I couldn't fight him off; he was a college athlete and he was on top of me.

I remember laying there just waiting for it to end. I remember the exact thoughts and emotions that were running through my head the entire time. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. As soon as it ended, I put my shorts back on and left.

I drove back home quietly and my face was expressionless. My feelings were numb. I did not cry and I did not understand what had just happened. I thought I let him have sex with me. I let this happen. I didn't tell him no enough, I didn't fight back hard enough. I am weak.

The most painful thing about this was he did it just so he could brag to all his friends about it the next day. He told everyone. And my relationship with his friend abruptly ended because I was the girl who couldn't keep her legs closed. Or that's what everyone thought. From then on, I was looked at differently because I was now dirty. I was now a cheater. Those thoughts ate away at me forever and sent me into a downward spiral of numbness and misunderstanding of myself and my value.

I never told anyone until I was 20. I never validated it as rape because I didn't want to be the girl who got raped. Instead, I thought I was just a weak person who let her friend have sex with her. I couldn't see it for what it was.

I am still not over the rape. It happened a little over 2 years ago, but it is something that frequents my mind. I still feel the emotional damage it has caused, and though this event was not violent, it was traumatic. I am slowly healing but progress comes a day at a time. The worst thing is that now it affects my trust with men. I don't feel like I can be friends with them because they all just view me as something they can possess. The logical part in my brain knows that not all people are bad and not all people have bad intentions. But I am cautious. I opened myself up to a friend, I got to know him, and all he did was leave me scarred.

I know I am stronger than this but it takes time. He made me feel weak, but feelings are only temporary. I hope that one day I can trust again and I can have something real with someone who truly cares about me. I also hope that by sharing I have let someone know they are not alone in the struggle and they will survive too. It is challenging, but we are stronger than our abuser. We can be the same powerful and wonderful person we once were. We have the choice to let our past consume us or to make us stronger.