Dear Idiots Driving on I-485,
I'm sure it's not your fault that you don't know how to drive on a major four lane highway. Surely, the problem must have come from the higher up. The government that not only cannot seem to stop taxing our people but also hates us so much they send unqualified drivers on the road to kill us all.
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No really, I get it. I think I remember the section in the little DMV pamphlet labeled "highways" that only had a few instructions that I, like normal human beings that can tell when the government is trying to wipe us off the face of the planet, chose to ignore.
Don't believe me? Let's read.
Rule #1 ![]()
"Make sure to go about 20 miles faster than the speed limit, especially when there is traffic at a dead stop approximately a half mile in front of you. Then, once you are close enough to see the shock on the woman's face in front of you in her rear view mirror, slam on your brakes so hard you create skid marks on the pavement that cause the person behind you to swerve left onto the side of the road, almost crashing into your back end and the concrete barriers lining the side of the highway. Then tell the person in front of you and behind you that they're "Number 1" because it's obviously their fault you had to slow down at all."
Rule #2 ![]()
"Please look at your phone. For everything. Seriously, that email from your mother-in-law cannot wait, and you should really check that live cam of your dog to make sure Noodle isn't chewing on any furniture. Those white dotted lines are really only a formality, the lanes to your right and left are yours to swerve and do as you please."
Rule #3 ![]()
"When traffic is barely moving, ride the bumper of the person behind you. Don't leave any room for anyone to get in front of you because you're a winner and winners don't do polite things for losers. If the person in front of you is braking slowly and leaving a ton of room, it's because they want to bumper snuggle, so get in nice and close."
Rule #4 ![]()
"You are Bruce Almighty, but you aren't AS powerful. Keep making extreme hand gestures, two fingers isn't enough for you. Preferably use fists and swing them around while screaming at people next to you stuck in the same exact traffic. If you can, open your windows and lean out just a tad. It really makes everyone's morning and they will promptly move out of your way."
Rule #5 ![]()
"Your car is literally the size of a motorcycle and you can squeeze through any gap you want. 2 ton 18 wheelers? Cut 'em off. Mini van with an expectant mother driving? Cut her off. Motorcycle? Those guys are full of themselves you should definitely cut them off, as tight as you can. Just remember folks; the road belongs to you. You are the only driver who matters. Your schedule is the only one that matters. It's all about you."
Okay folks you know I'm totally kidding when it comes to the government controlling everything, and these are obviously not real rules for driving on major highways, but please share this if you are a fellow commuter and want people to get their heads out of either their butts or their phones and start driving safely and responsibly. As funny as all of these comments are, road safety is an issue. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention website, in the first half of life, more Americans die from violence and injuries — such as motor vehicle crashes, falls, or homicides — than from any other cause, including cancer, HIV, or the flu. This makes injury the leading cause of death among persons aged 1-44.
Drive safely. Don't make your own rules, follow the real ones.
