When I was sixteen I was in an abusive relationship but, at the time, I did not know. it And if I’m being completely honest, even now, there is a part of me that still refuses to acknowledge that I am a victim of abuse. Now when I say abuse I don’t mean fist throwing or name calling, no, this kind of abuse is more subtle. Yeah, he yelled at me and used me as a scapegoat for his anger when things didn’t go his way. Sure, he dismissed my concerns and made me feel guilty because I wanted him to treat me better--because I wanted to be in a healthy relationship. But this kind of behavior was normal; every relationship goes through rough patches, right? Looking back these thoughts and my belief that his actions were normal is the reason why I could not see his behavior for what it really was, emotional abuse.
Although it is the most common form of abuse, emotional abuse is difficult to detect and unlike physical or sexual abuse there isn't one concrete definition to describe it. One definition, however, is “any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth." And whether it was intentional or not, diminishing my identity and self-worth is what my ex did. By continuously using me as a scapegoat and dismissing concerns he made me feel unlovable and as a result I adopted the mindset that maybe if I tried a little harder and stopped doing things to piss him off he'd treat me better and love me more. But that's the thing with abuse, trying harder did not make things better instead, it caused me to stay in a messed up relationship longer than I should have, it caused me to hate myself, but worst of all, it caused me to contemplate suicide over someone who didn't love me.
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So if you think you're in an emotionally abusive relationship but you're still not sure, ask yourself these questions:
1. Does this person make you feel good about yourself?
2. Do you have to "work" for their love?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then my advice to you is: GET OUT, GET OUT NOW. Anyone who lowers your self-esteem and makes you feel as if you are not good enough is not worth it, so why waste your time? Life is short so don't waste it, surround yourself with people who are worthy of your essence.
