August 21, 2016

Dear Diary,

Today I feel uneasy. As if I am spinning but not spotting, leaping but not landing, and smiling but I am not happy. Today is the day I return to my people, the people that accepted a queen with flaws and at most times good. Why am I scared? Will my people not love a queen that has made mistakes? Does a queen get an excuse to not be strong, or will her people for sake that upon her? A queen must be poised, proper and precise. But, I have never been these virtues that describe a regular queen. I have always been loud, brave, and at times stubborn when it comes to rules and regulations that I do not agree. I am an honest queen, and to be quite frank, I like it that way. I am queen that does not like to stay silent, but rebel against the norm. I like to move and sway to the way the music plays. I am not your average queen. So, why do I feel like one?

My head is hurting and my heart feels as if it running to win a three legged race. Finally, I reach my new chambers, surrounded by the same people, and yet all I want to have is music playing, so I can move and sway, in order to forget this horrid day of being an average queen.

August 22, 2016

Dear Diary,

I woke up easier, but felt sluggish. After a day of badly choreographed scenes, I head to the forefront of the stage to approach what I see might be a floor made of wood. Something I can plant my feet firmly when I land from my leaps, or stop myself safely as I spin. But, alas I proceed to fall. Fall for the voices in my head, the stubbornness of my thoughts, and the doubt in my heart. Suddenly, a burst of new horizon creeps upon me. The sun shines brightly, and I think this might be where I come back up from my fall. But, as soon as I try, the harder it is to stand straight and tall.

Why are my thoughts in the way of my pointed feet? Should I give up, and admit defeat? Stop trying and return to being a small voiced queen? Should I never move an inch again? What do I do diary, help! For I am not the queen I once was. I have tears streaming down my face. Tears that should be beads of anger, sadness, happiness, and self-expression. I am lost, there is no one to lead.

August 23, 2016

Diary,

This time my feet are catching up with the beat of my heart, and my mind is racing in the opposite direction. I don’t know which way is up or down, and I hope to never find out because when I do more tears tend to stream from my eyes. My body starts to move in ways that are unknown to me. I bang my wrist against my bruised knee just to check if I’m still alive. Me breathes are short, and my words mesh together, like an eight count counted wrong. I hope no one ever hears the words that stream from my mind to my mouth, because they would make the best of us feel uneasy. I don’t know what day of the week it is, and the show starts tomorrow. How do I still know this? Why do I still care? I can’t sleep-- I can’t eat, and I can’t dance. For the life of me, what is a world without sanity. The show must go on! It must!

August 24, 2016

Dear Diary,

What has happened to me? I have fallen from my throne, taken from my chambers, and kept in bed as if I am ill. But, I am fine—at least that’s what I tell myself. Tears are still streaming; I feel safe in the arms of two brave soldiers. They have put me up till I can safely return to my chambers. They feed me, helped me come to my senses, reminded me what kind of queen I am. Later in the day, the sun was a little brighter, and my feet were no longer tangled up with my thoughts. I had picked up the pieces of my shaken confidence, and soon I was on the road to recovery. The two soldiers didn’t doubt my strength and determination, but both were still worried because though a queen can comeback from a fall, it takes time to heal a break.

August 25, 2016

Dear Diary,

I only fell twice today, and at that I didn’t stay down for long. I made a speedy recovery in a room with lights along the walls, music blaring from every corner, and a smile that was true even if it was in a room full of mirrors of my own reflection. It was a smile that I hadn’t seen in forever, and then I remembered, I am no average queen.

I am a dancing queen.