"What's the biggest decision that you have made that ended up being your biggest regret?"

That's the question that's been hovering in my head for the past few days. No amount of meditating, reading, and listening to music and podcasts can quiet my mind nowadays.

Maybe you're wondering why? You're gonna have to ready yourself for a very crazy and dramatic ride to know all the juicy details of this entry.

If you've read my first entry, then you probably know where my headspace's at when I wrote that. I was ranting all about my bad experiences and venting out all my frustrations as a newly hired teacher. But, what I should've also included were my good experiences as well. You see I was very blinded by my emotions back then when I wrote that, and I usually just write stuff whenever I'm feeling strong emotions about something.

Maybe you're all confused where I'm heading at saying these things. I don't regret one bit what I wrote before. All I'm saying is that despite all those bad experiences, I failed to mention all my good experiences there which is equally important to be able to understand the gist of this entry. What you're about to know is that these good experiences will soon be just good memories.

A little back story: I started teaching in public school way back 2018 and I wrote my previous entry year 2019. After writing that, I went through a mild depression. I was questioning all my life choices at that point. I considered resigning, I talked to a lot of friends and also my family about wanting to quit. I just needed a voice of reason to tell me that what I'm about to do is the right choice. I weighed all of my options and figured out that quitting is the easiest choice. Ever heard of a quote, "Sometimes the right decision isn't always the easiest one"? That quote really hit me hard. What got me out of that funk was really just a change of perspective. After that, I tried really hard to just look for the bright side of every situation, I started to loosen up a bit and surprisingly, started enjoying the company of my other co-workers. Months turned into years, I've built quite a good camaraderie at my workplace.

Having a love/hate relationship with your superior is always a tricky one. Sometimes they'll treat you okay (when they want something from you) and then there will be times when they treat you like dirt. It always hurts because you've been programmed since childhood to always treat your superiors with respect but sometimes it's really hard to just take it all in and you have to just grin and bear it after being insulted in front of other people. I can ignore it and call it a day if it only happened once, but no, it happens more times than you can count. I don't want to reach a point where I'll explode because I've been bottling up my feelings in order to avoid confrontation and drama at my workplace. I no longer feel like I'm appreciated for the quality of work that I do or valued by my organization. I am ready for a change, one that involves me being challenged, continuing to grow, and appreciated for my contribution.

There's a high level of attachment to this relationship I have with my colleagues and my school. After all, it's far too easy for most of us to have become highly attached to our role in a toxic workplace after so many years. Choosing to leave a toxic workplace was always at the back of my mind and when that opportunity presented itself, I decided to grab it. Can you see where this is going now?

So, yeah. I applied for a transfer of station. I was beyond happy with my decision that I'll be able to remove myself from that toxic environment. What really shocked me was when I was hit with the reality that I won't be able to be with the people that I've built great friendship with there anymore in the future. I started justifying my decision that no matter where I am, we'll keep in touch and that our friendship will always be there. But, who knows what's in store for us in the future? Then the what ifs started swirling in my head… I wish I could've thought it through before I made a decision. I wish I sucked it all up and just endured it for another year or so. Leaving them was the hardest thing I've ever done. I got so caught up with my emotions that I let one person drive me away from the best people I've ever met in my life. That's three years worth of friendship and happy memories, but what's done is done.

I've reported to my new workplace yesterday and the separation anxiety hit me hard, and I found myself crying over the friendship that I've lost and the people that I chose to give up. Especially, giving up the comfort of familiarity. Observing everything at the new school, I find it unsettling because new place and new people. I'm back to zero. But, I won't rule out my new workplace and I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt. I keep telling myself that I'm here to work and whatever happens, happens.

I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done. I hope that my decision won't end up being my worst regret in this lifetime.

I've already grieved for everything that I've lost and now's the time to start a new journey.
I've let God take control of everything in my life. I know that wherever I am, I know I'm where I needed to be. And that thought is what keeps me going.

"Life's choices aren't always easy, but they are always yours."

"While learning how to trust your intuition and decision-making skills isn't always easy, it's an important part of personal growth."

"People don't leave jobs, they leave toxic work cultures." – Dr. Amina Aitsi-Selmi

"Sometimes you have to remove yourself from environments in order to recharge, to be healthy, or to just flat out leave a dangerous energy. Never feel bad about doing what you must do to save yourself." – Sylvester McNutt III

Sincerely Yours,

Finally Free, Lonely and Scared Teacher