So recently I went through a break up, really the first one I've ever experienced. I didn't know how to handle my emotions, so I started to write them down in the notes on my phone as I was feeling them. That really helped me cope with this new emotion of heartbreak that I felt.

I was completely blindsided by it all and couldn't understand how someone could love me and hurt me so much in a short period of time, especially when I was continually so nice to them. The problem is when I love, I love with all of me. You wouldn't think that would be a problem, but it was. And with this quality comes confusion when someone doesn't do the same. I had so many questions I knew weren't gonna be answered, and I had to learn to accept that.

So I've decided to write a five part series exploring how I felt during this process. This part was written about how I felt when all of it initially happened. This is written from my experience and isn't meant to express how other people might feel or deal with heartbreak. This is just an honest part of me that I want to share picked from the depth of notes on my phone.

Part One:

The Last Moment I Saw You

So it’s over
Over like it never even started
I should’ve known the moment I came home that your I love you's and I miss you’s kept fading away
Your I’ll see you later's turned into I’ll see you tomorrow’s
I ignored all the signs cause I thought when I came back home it would all be fine
Spending all my time missing you and getting an education that was in a different place than you
All I wanted was to make it to the summer so I didn’t have to keep going through the painful cycle of repeated goodbyes
But once I came back you didn’t see me soon
Your I’m busys and I’ll FaceTime you later's became more and more until I couldn’t take it anymore
I waited and waited to see you
Sitting endlessly by my phone waiting for some kind of message from you

I let my happiness be defined by your presence
Promises said but never kept

And finally when we saw each other again that night before the night it all ended I thought it was all okay
Yet it wasn’t until that Thursday night waiting to hangout with you again that I got a message from your friend who took care of me the night before when I puked all over the floor
My heart stopped when I read “he doesn’t like you”, “he's been with other girls”, and “he’s a player”.

It’s like the world stopped moving but it was just my own world I saw crashing down

You refused to see me in person after I brought up the need to talk
And out of the blue “I don’t think I wanna date anymore” from you shakes my phone
In a reckless attempt I went to your house in search for any answers to calm my pain inside
But when you opened the door, the annoyed look in your eye, that is when I knew I wasn’t gonna get many answers from you
With the door half way open, refusing to sit down and talk like mature adults
I was forced to beg for answers after showing you the accusations put upon you like a million pounds

You denied, denied, denied and
I knew you lied cause your actions spoke louder than any words

You blamed me for what you did to me
For breaking up with me
Saying I was blowing up your phone or some dumb excuse like that
Saying you couldn’t deal with me anymore cause I was somehow psycho
And worst of all saying you were just gonna break up with me after I left to go back

You had me right where you wanted me ready to break me the entire time

You said we could be friends but those were just all lies in disguise

You didn’t wanna face reality but the reality ended up right in front of your face

As I watched our relationship go down the drain it’s like my desperate cries and pleas for answers brought out of my frustration and confusion didn’t matter to you
Like I was just some kind of fly on the wall you were willing to flick away

What hurt the most is that you didn’t seem care
Didn’t seem to care that I gave you my everything and you were throwing it all away over nothing I can ever understand

You kept pushing me out when all I wanted was to be let in
I wanted to be closer to you so it felt like what we had wasn’t slipping away

What I wanted was a kiss when I asked for a hug and you gave me one but it felt empty like nothing ever before

So there I was standing outside your house while you looked at me like you never said you loved me
A distant look in your eye with no care at all
You wouldn’t give me the time of day to talk and said I had to leave
So with your stepmom and little brother inside and you staring blankly at me pushing me further and further away from you I looked at you one last time not seeing the person I thought I knew and walked away
Running across your front lawn sobbing with cries I ran to the car I once picked you up in
I didn’t know you could break me like how you did

Two whole months of constant communication through the phone and only twelve days spent with you
So why did it feel like a lifetime?
Why does it feel like a lifetime worth of heartbreak?

And the thing is you gave me so many firsts I didn’t think there would be a last

I don’t regret what we had but I regret spending too much time missing you

You loved hard at first and maybe I liked that but it all came crashing down just as fast as it began
How was I to know your distance was the start of an end?

You gave me the feeling of love I never felt before
With your guitar and bad boy vibes I thought you were the perfect guy
And now I can’t believe you let me think I was your only when I ended up the one all lonely
Even though my heart was broken into two by you I still care about you
Yes you had your issues but I saw more in you
I saw your potential and still do
I wanted to grow and change with you but you ended up being stuck in your ways
I want you to be happy and find what you want to do
I want you to find a person that loved you as much as I did even if that means me without you

You might look like the nice guy that all the parents like on the outside but you were still capable of simultaneously loving and breaking me for no reason at all

You gave me a reason to believe you were better than your past but apparently you were just that

You will probably do what you did to me with other people and I hate you for that

Yet hopefully you can learn from those and grow into the person I thought you were

You are better than you think you are and I saw that yet you still let it all go

The look in your eyes when you broke away still lingers in my mind to this day
The pain you caused me still doesn’t compare to how I felt when I was with you

You made me feel special like I was totally and completely yours

And maybe it was all in my head but I would go back to that feeling in a heartbeat

You let me believe you loved me and maybe once you did like I did the entire time but the lack of what you feel now is what hurts the most
How could I have possibly become so dependent on your happiness that I lost my own?
Yet I still love you and you will always be a special part of me
One that will become smaller and smaller but will always be there
My all was not enough in the end and you don’t seem to care
Leaving me like I never existed in your life in the first place

I will never understand why you broke me that one sunny evening standing on your doorstep but I have to learn to accept it

You knew how I felt about you and you still shattered my heart into a million pieces

You’d think the crying part is the hardest but the most difficult part is trying to pick up the pieces of yourself like broken glass left on the floor

The giant puzzle you’re left alone to figure out
Yet although you broke me like I never thought I’d be broken before I am stronger because of it
You couldn’t move on from your old self
You didn’t deserve how I treated you
How I loved you
But I know myself better than ever now
You became my everything but I have to let that all go

So as much as it pained me to walk away from you that one seemingly awful night
I am stronger because I met you

And will continue to become a better version of myself since the last moment I saw you.