So lately things have been a bit rough. The holidays were not so great. I tried so hard to be happy but I had a lot going on inside. Everything gets tough when your family is not united. And my family hasn’t been for the past few years. Ever since I told my mom that I was transgender.
She can’t accept it. She hasn’t kicked me out or anything, but life did become so much harder after telling her. She and my dad are ashamed. They say after I move out, I can do what I want. But it is not easy living in a home where you are constantly mis-gendered and have to hide part of who you are. Granted, I have chosen to live out most of who I am.
What they do not see is that I am not a different person. I am the same person. I just dress more how I’d like. I have a girlfriend. I prefer male pronouns. These are all things that have always been with me and a part of me, except now I have the courage to say so. I just wish they would see it that way.
So most of my holiday was seeing my mother depressed. She has been depressed for a long time -- pretty much since I told her. But over the holidays, it is easier to get depressed. It is like the fact that you are supposed to be happy during this time of year alone reminds you that you are not happy.
To be honest, I was happy. My relationship with my girlfriend was going great. My family finally seemed to be getting back to its usual routine. My mom seemed less angry. I was finally doing better in school. I was no longer depressed. Everything seemed to be going smoothly and in the right direction.
Then, Christmas came. A typically happy holiday became just a dull boring sad celebration. My family does Christmas eve and we wait till midnight to exchange gifts. After that, we continue partying and spending time together till who knows what time into the next morning. But not this time. This time it just seemed like another day.
On Christmas day, my mom was particularly sad. She spent most of Christmas day crying. Apparently it was my fault. She found my Facebook account. It was under a different name so she wouldn’t find me but somehow she did. The problem is that there I present myself as male. I present myself as who I really am.
On top of that, on my other side was my girlfriend. She was depressed too. To be honest, I am not sure if she still is or if she’s getting through it. I saw her yesterday and she seemed good. Better than me at least. Anyway, I felt like that was my fault too. And slowly all these things began to break me.
Every year this happens. I dread Christmas because one, I know it is a week that I do not get to see my girlfriend, the only person that has supported me, been with me through it all, and loves and accepts me as I am and two, because I am stuck having to spend way more time with my family only making me realize that they do not understand or accept and just want me to change. I love them and honestly I love spending time with them, but the more time I spend the more alone I feel. It is like I am an alien in my own home.
So now here I am. I am not sure how I feel. I have been in and out of happy and sad and angry. Sometimes I do not feel anything at all. I want to be happy. But it is so hard when everything around me is but negativity.
Just today alone, a fight I had with my girlfriend seemed to be the end of the world when I know it is not. People fight. It happens. But a fight is not just a fight when I start to get depressed. Or when all my feelings have been trapped for so long to protect others. It is so much more because once the cap comes off there’s no getting it back on. Everything just comes pouring out. I’m like a volcano that has erupted.
There is some good news. I am not buried under the ashes just yet. And as much as I have been tempted to go back to my counselor to talk because it has felt like too much, I have not. I think that means I am able to handle how I feel. At least I still have some control. And I am not unmotivated just yet. So I am going to work hard to not let myself fail. I think this attitude is what will help me survive. I know I am strong. I have dealt with harder things before.
I think it is better to be honest with who I am and deal with other people’s judgements even if they hurt me, rather than hide forever and hurt myself in the process. See I am happy with who I am and proud of who I have become. Now I just have to be patient and have hope that others will feel the same no matter how “different” I may appear.
(Maybe this wasn’t anything you wanted to know about, but I think it is important for people to know that everyone has something going on and even though that is true, just sharing it or getting it out on paper may help. I have been needing to share. Anyway I wish you all the best. And if you made it to this end part, thank you for listening.)
