Have you ever woke up feeling so depressed and anxious you don’t want to get out of bed, or you just want to stay in bed all day and cry? You just don’t have the strength to get out of bed and adult? Or have you ever had the best day of your life, and you just randomly break out in tears? That’s my daily struggle, and let me tell you fighting this battle alone is not an easy to conquer.

There are so many people that can’t tell that I face this ugly disorder. No matter how shitty I am feeling, I get out of bed everyday and smile and continue on with my day. To be diagnosed with Dysthymia has been the hardest yet. I used to be so ashamed of being diagnosed with this disorder, it was truly awkward. I have had these issues for a while and its the worst thing to be struggling with.

My parents used to think it was just me, being a typical emotional woman but no, its much more than being “emotional” and I wish people would understand that. To be diagnosed with depression and anxiety or anything for this instance is no joke, and people need to stop being so judgmental and become more educated on this.

It is not something to joke about. To tell someone facing depression, to smile and be happy, is easier said then done. You can’t tell someone who’s depressed that it will be okay, because in our mind it isn’t going to be okay.

You ask anyone that communicates with me daily, not many people know I’ve been diagnosed with PDD. I struggle to get out of bed on a daily basis, I cancel my plans last minute and come up with some lie that I can’t go out, because in reality I’m so scared to face this world, the world we live in and the people I communicate with on a daily basis, frighten me.

Everywhere I go, I feel like I’m being judged, or someone is talking about me behind my back. Waking up everyday to face this world truly scares me and I’m not ashamed to admit that. To cry myself to sleep or to break down in tears, when I’m having such a great day, you think I like dealing with that? No but i isn’t something I have control over.

It’s embarrassing and I use to be so ashamed of myself because of this. But between feeling hopeless, having bad anxiety, crying uncontrollably, self-doubt, or having no confidence with anything I've ever accomplished, self-harming, horrible self-image and loneliness, feeling worthless, broken, scared, ashamed, insane mood swings and to know that I’m going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life, it kills me.

You may see my face these daily struggles, but you will never see me give up again. Life is way to beautiful to let go and you won’t see me give up ever again. God has blessed me with this battle because he knows that I am strong enough to overcome It. Life is way to valuable to end it. I just remember life is always gonna be a up hill battle, but I will achieve my goals, this disorder won’t stop me from achieving my dreams.