“I love you but…”

I cannot begin to count the amount of times that I have heard this said to me within my lifetime. Or maybe even a variation of the phrase. Things like "did you even try?" "can't you take a joke?" "get over it" "what's your problem?" "I'm not apologizing" "oh you'll come around" "Aren't you sorry?"

It still stings to look back and wonder what I could have done differently in every single situation. Situations that have consequently created unnerving amounts of doubt within me. Doubt that consumes me whole and exhibits no sign of any distant conclusion.

And doubting yourself kinda sucks, ya know? You're kind of the greatest you that will ever be. The almighty and powerful YOU. You really shouldn't doubt that kind of awesomeness.

The uncomfortable and upsetting fact of the matter is that no one is perfect, you cannot change a person simply by telling them that you need them to change for you or even themselves. The other fact of the matter is that no one in your life should be attempting to change you for their own personal gain. If they cannot accept you for who you are then they do not deserve to be around for the greatness that you will emit throughout your life. This all sounds incredibly cheesy and cliché but hear me out:

I have been privy to several incredibly toxic relationships throughout my 20 years on this earth. I know what you’re thinking, 20 is too young to truly understand the pain of a toxic relationship and really even life itself. Trust me when I say that no matter who you are, where you’re at in life, or the context of the relationship, we all feel that pain in these kinds of situations.

In dealing with these relationships I have learned quite a bit. My experiences have continued to build the walls around my mind and heart and that is something I am grateful for and yet resentful of all the same.

I am 20, going on 21. I have white water rafted through the Grand Canyon. I have zip lined through nature and the beauty that is Hocking Hills. I have fractured my L5 vertebrae (twice, I might add) and am now sporting two aluminum screws in my spine and a decently sizable scar to tell the tale. I have witnessed joy and pain in their most pure forms. I have wanted to live. I have wanted to die.

The latter has been more prominent throughout my life than the former and that is something that truly haunts me to this day. A lot of that journey stems from the people that I have allowed to manipulate me into thinking that I am worth less than I truly am. There is not always a concrete solution for the kind of pain that goes on within your mind and soul from these kinds of experiences, a pain that is often uncontrollably toxic and unnervingly steadfast in its reign of terror.

Though there are a great many things that you do not maintain control of in your life, you do have control over the changes you can make. You are able to cut people and other things out of your life just the same as you are able to decide to change the color of your hair with dye or study for a test in order to receive a better grade. With effort and strength you are able to do most anything. You have the ability to create a change for yourself. Whether or not you see this yourself is up to you.

This is not a simple process. Sometimes it hurts. A lot. Eliminating things that used to be so ingrained within the blueprints of your life is a difficult procedure. It takes time to process and manage your emotions.

It takes time.

I cannot stress this enough. I know that looking at this process one might think that the journey is impossible and terrifying. It truly does look to be that way.

I also know that the journey is feasible. It will not be fun. It will not be easy. You will not wake up one morning and think “Well gee, today is a great day to just feel better about this whole thing” and the pain will not magically go away. Most people do not want to hear that. Most people do not want to know that the pain stays for a while.

With this in mind. I would like to interject that things do get better. They get so so much better.

Life is beautiful. You are beautiful. Life will go on. Your heart will mend and you will build a new happiness for yourself.

What you truly need is yourself and to stop apologizing for the fact that you are you. It is incredibly easy to tell ourselves that we must rely on others for happiness but one is never truly happy with others until they can be their own person and live their own life. Please understand that there will be people in your life that will encourage you and back you for everything that you do and that you should never have to change yourself in order to please someone else.

When I initially wrote this title and pretended to know what I was going to ramble on about, I was set on focusing on romantic relationships but the truth is that all kinds of relationships can bring about these feelings of unease, hurt, rejection, doubt. Peer, familial, etc. It's crazy how easily our minds allow for us to buy into the fact that since someone is your friend or relative or peer, they mean no harm and will do no harm. Unfortunately, that is simply not the case.

My point? Please just be YOU! You are an amazing being and deserve to be happy in what and who you are. You deserve better than being manipulated into thinking that you are anything less than amazing. You should not be apologetic for being happy for your own personal growth and flourishing. You're a pretty stellar individual, embrace that fact and keep on going. Be happy. Live your life the way you want to live it. Be you.

I deserve better and I am not sorry.