Stumbling through the battlefield of depression can bring valuable lessons, especially in the arena of love and romance. Here's what I've come to learn.
1. I’m Responsible for My Own Happiness
In our over-romanticized society, we often hear, “Find the one that makes you happy.” Reclaiming my life back from depression taught me that no one is responsible for my happiness except myself. Happiness is a reflection of what you put into the life, love and relationships you have. Healthy relationships can be happy, but they shouldn’t be your happiness. Making someone your source of happiness isn’t how you love them or how you’re loved. So, I challenge you to find the one you love -- the one you appreciate for who they are and not just for how they make you feel.
2. I Can Never Use People as Solutions for Pain
Lifeis hard and traumatizing in many different ways. While battling persistent depression for over 14 years I’ve learnedno person or relationship can heal me. Depression can come with unbearable waves of unexplained guilt and loneliness. I could lie next to someone and still feel empty. My depression would grow stronger as I tried to use people as solutions. Subconsciously, desiring a person to numb the pain only created debilitating expressions of love that hurt more than helped. The waves of guilt and loneliness and the caves they borrow deep in your soul can be calmed. My victory over depression came from within. You have to remind yourself of this and stop looking for others to solve your problems, but rather accept the help you need.
3. Strong Physical Connections are Not Love
I know we’ve all heard this, but my depression amplified this truth tremendously. I’ve learned quickly in life that a physical connection helps numb some of the experienced pain spoken about above. This connections, however, are a part of what hurts more than helps. These physical connections and interactions literally produce the same chemical reactions in the brain that highly addictive pain-numbing drugs do. Their euphoria is powerful, but as they numb they dig the pits of loneliness and guilt deeper and deeper. You deserve more than to be numbed—you owe yourself more.
4. I’m Worth Real Love
Depression has taken a lot away from me in life. It has taken happiness away from moments that should have been happy. It has taken a simplicity out of life that I often have to fight to maintain. However, depression has also protected me. My depression has always forced me into reaching a breaking point where I could no longer last in superficial love and relationships. My depression couldn’t be fooled for too long. My depression is what finally pushed me to love myself and find a real love and purpose outside of romance. My depression made me face myself while the battle protected me from settling and revealed my real worth.
5. Love is More Than a Feeling
If I asked you, “Why are you in your relationship?” and your first reason begins with, “I feel…” or “They make me feel…” I would seriously doubt your relationship. Now remember I did not ask why you were dating (going on dates) or why you were attracted to someone. I asked why you were in a relationship—committed to someone. Figuring my depression out taught me that I want to be committed to someone because I know and love who they are. I want to genuinely choose them and not feel trapped by how they make me feel. I don’t want to love them because they emotionally stimulate me in just the right way, because what about when they can’t?
6. I need a Partner in Battle
I know no one can ever fix me, but depression is still hard and a part of my everyday growing story. Considering this, I know I need someone who can stand by me, someone willing to understand and not throw in the towel when my emotions are a little murkier to process than most. I deserve a partner and I deserve someone who can believe in hope just as strongly as I need to. I deserve commitment with the person I love and not to settle for numbness.
