"It's so strange, we can't seem to figure out how with everything that's happened in your life...you're still normal and this happy and bubbly girl. It's so wonderful!"
A very close family member told me this and I did what every person that is afraid to admit they are sad would do...I smiled and giggled saying "I know right!" The truth is that I was in a rut. Here's what I've learned about this rut that actually, quite a lot of people slip into during their lives.
It's real, it's no joke, and it hurts. Physically hurts? No...maybe not quite that. It can happen to anyone. Hell, I fell into it...the girl that my family and friends refer to as happy-go-lucky, bubbly, full of energy etc. It hurts mentally in your brain, almost paralytic. You don't want to feel this way, but most of the time, you can't stop the horrible feeling of only ever wanting to just lay in bed and shut the world out. You push your friends away and eventually they get tired of being pushed away, so then they stop trying and putting in the effort to be close to you. Once that happens...you become even more upset with yourself. Depressed because you couldn't explain to them what was going on exactly with you.
Depressed because you opted out of attending something that may have actually been fun because sitting all alone listening to yourself think and put yourself down is what you're "used to" nowadays. You start to opt out of a lot of things that you used to love to do, such as something as simple as going to grab a bite to eat or even going on a date. You fear for someone to get close to you on an emotional level because you can't even make yourself happy anymore. So you think to yourself. (How would I be able to make them happy?) They tell you, "Oh you'll be fine in a week." Then, that just makes you even more sad that people are upset with you because you can't explain to them what's going on with you since you don't even understand it yourself.
Except the only problem with that is that you've been feeling this way for a while and only letting them in on the tiny details making them believe that this "sadness" you're experiencing is not serious. The truth? The truth is that this has been going on for quite a while. The moment it started? It started when you realized that you actually had to tell yourself that you were "happy." All this time your life was the definition of fake it until you make it. When you sit back and think..(why do I have this and why is this happening to me?) The answer is life. Life happens and a lot of the time, depression isn't something that is selective just like you don't get to choose whether or not you're sick and not feeling well.
Depression is a terrible rut to be in and if you know someone going through it, then I urge you to be there for them and uplift them in every way you possibly can.
And if you are that handful in this rut, I'm here to tell you that it will get better. Time is the answer and take it day by day. Be the best person you can be and kick depression's ass. God loves you and planned out a beautiful life for you, so live it and live it happily.
