When I first starting writing, it was my goal to inspire others. To try to relate to others. To share my life experiences. To share my heart with you all...but the only way I know how to do that is to share my stories, and to hope that whatever you get out of it helps you in some way. So, this article will be a more...personal one. It is my hope that by the end of this (potentially long) article that you will get to know a little bit more about me. It is my hope that my story will somehow help or inspire.
There is a topic that I have touched on before: depression. However, I didn't really talk about my experience with it... at least not to the extent that I needed to. I just kind of scratched the surface of what it is like living, dealing, and thriving with depression. Let me start at the beginning.
When I was in middle school, about seven years ago, I knew I wasn't “normal”. I didn't really fit in. In fact, I only had one or two friends. Because I did not fit in, I became the subject of some people's harsh words and actions. I had become the target of someone's happiness at the expense of my own. When I first started being bullied, I tried to brush it off. I thought that if I ignored them then maybe their words would not cut so deep. It didn't work. Their words still managed to get to me, to cut away at everything that I held so dear. As the bullying got worse, I became more reserved. I didn't want to go to school, or sometimes even get out of bed. On the rare occasion that I was allowed to stay home, I would stay in my room and pretend to be anywhere but here. I remember thinking how it could get it any worse, but what my naive mind didn't know about was a thing called high school. Yeah. That thing.
When I entered high school, I thought that it would my brand new start. I thought that I would be able to escape all the negative people from middle school. However, growing up in a small town meant that I would be going to class with same people that I went to middle school with, but this time there would be a few more fish in the sea with us. There was one fish who was more like a shark. This person somehow figured out my insecurities and they decided to make my life a living nightmare. At first, it just started out with name calling... but it quickly turned into threats. Threats against my safety, against my family, and even death threats. School became a very unsafe place for me. I did anything in my power to find a way to stay home. I decided that I would fake being sick, but in reality I was sick. I had been bullied for almost three years at this point, and it had finally gotten to me.
I had become depressed. My life had no meaning anymore, it had been taken away by others. I felt like I was literal scum, and that I did not matter. I sometimes found it hard to hold back tears, or hold back anger. In some of those moments of weakness, I turned to things that were not so healthy. I tried a lot of things to feel better, and while they helped at the moment they didn't last. One night I had become so at loss of what to do. I felt alone, I felt scared, I felt numb. I knew that I didn't want to be alive anymore, I decided one night in January of my freshman year... that that would be my last night here. I had a plan and I was all ready to implement it, but God stepped in. One of my only friends caught on to my suicidal thoughts/actions. Long story short, she and God saved my life. There is no reason that I should be here right now. But I am sure happy that I am still here.
You see, even though I still struggle with my depression... I am learning to thrive in it. I take action to help others who have it, I try to inspire others, I find things that make my happy... like church and teaching. The point of this extremely long article is to say that you are not alone. That you will always have someone in your corner... you just need to look for them. It is my hope that if you ever feel like your life is worth nothing, to please find someone to talk to. Find a teacher, friend, or someone at church. Let them love you, let them teach you and show you that you are worth everything. God made you you. There will never be another person like you. Take care of yourself. Learn to love yourself for who you are... and always remember that someone believes in you even if you don't believe in yourself.
