When recovery is portrayed on television, they paint a pretty picture. It's all sunshine and rainbows. You most likely see a woman in front of a sunset with her arms extended. Everything is wonderful. You hear a plethora of success stories from brave individuals talking about their "aha moments," or maybe even how they felt when they first relapsed. Most people talk about the road to recovery as if it's a perfectly straight line with maybe a few potholes in the road. People never discuss the ugly or downright confusing parts of recovery, but we need to talk about them. We can't just sweep them under the rug and pretend they don't exist.
Here's what they don't tell you:
Recovery doesn't always feel good. It can be painful. There will be times where relapse seems way more attractive than recovery. You're afraid of getting better because that means losing a part of you. You'll be giving up a huge part of your identity, and somehow that terrifies you. You can't imagine life without it because it's all you've ever known. You become comfortable.
Short and simple-- you're scared of recovery. Even though you're in recovery, you're terrified of it at the same time. You know it's far from logical, but you can't stop feeling it. It sounds so strange because why would anyone not want to get better, right?
Imagine talking to somebody for hours on end and you spend all day with that person for months. Eventually, you move in with each other. You're so used to seeing that person every single day, and they quickly become a part of your routine. You become attached. They become a constant. You honestly cannot imagine your life without that person and frankly; that life seems impossible anyway.
Now imagine that person suddenly decides to move out and never speaks to you again. How would you feel? You're suddenly forced to start over, and rebuild your life without them. You feel a heavy void in your chest; like something is missing. You miss their presence. You can't move on. Change is scary.
That's the best way I could possibly explain it. Your addiction, depression, eating disorder or whatever you are recovering from, becomes a part of you. It becomes your friend. When you get used to something or someone being there for a long period of time, it's difficult not to get attached. It's nearly impossible. It becomes home, and you don't want to leave. The very thought of leaving your home terrifies you. You'd rather stay there than face the unknown. It becomes an addiction in itself.
It's the gray area of recovery that nobody really talks about. You want to get better but at the same time, you're scared of getting better.
The trick is not to stay in that place. Staying in dark places for too long can be dangerous. It's learning to become comfortable with that new version of you and eventually, you'll begin to like it. Recovery can be scary and definitely a process, but it's so worth it.
