Since about the 9th grade, I have struggled with depression. There are days that I just want to give in to my depression. There are days that I just want to hide away from the world. There are so many celebrities that have lost their battle with depression. The most recent one, Chester Bennington, was a major part of me finding the music that I love. After his passing, I decided that I needed to talk about depression more openly. There are many people who have been making fun of this man because he lost his battle with depression. If someone lost their battle with cancer, you wouldn’t make fun of them. With that being said, this is me speaking out about my depression. This is me taking a stand against the stigma of this mental disorder. This is my open letter to my depression and I am tired of keeping quiet.
Dear Depression,
Depression, my old friend, I would ask how you are doing or where you have been. But, I know where you have been. You came at me like a 20 ton truck Wednesday after I had a fun time on Tuesday. Why is it that every time I have fun, you come back full force? Am I not allowed to go out and have fun? Am I supposed to stay inside my house all the time? Am I supposed to shut down and not move when you come for a visit? Well, congratulations, you did that wonderfully on Wednesday. You made it to where I physically had no energy to go anywhere. I had no will power to do anything. I just laid on the couch.
I had to watch movies all day long to keep myself distracted so that you, my old friend could not get into my head any more than you already were. And when you finally did get into my head, I just shut down. I do not want to hear those thoughts of “I am not good enough”. I had the best time on Tuesday but you had to kick that in the butt after the show. You made me think of how much I was going to miss all my friends here in Indiana when I go to Florida. You are the worst friend that I have, but you are the most reliable friend that I know.
I always know when you are coming. I feel those clouds starting to form in my head. I can feel the thunder and lightning just before the rain begins. I can feel the pain in my heart starting as you begin to remind me of the fact that there is so much I have not done in my life. I can feel the pain of remember people that have passed on. You rip that wound wide open as it was just starting to close up.
But, do you want to know what hurts the most my old friend? What hurts the most is feeling like no one else around me can see this pain. I try my hardest to keep this pain hidden from everyone. I don’t want other people to feel like they are the cause of this pain. Because they aren’t the cause of the pain. You are the cause of this pain my old friend.
There is one thing you need to know my old friend, I refuse to give up. I refuse to stop fighting. I refuse to just lay down and take it. I will always fight you as hard as I can. There are days where you may think that you are winning, but you are not winning. I am just resting up for the next big fight. I will never let you win. Never again my old friend. Never again. Now, like in the song Battle Cry by Blood on The Dance Floor, I will conquer and I know I will Conquer and rise up. This is my battle cry. I WILL CONQUER. I WILL RISE.
Until next time my old friend.
