Mental illness has only recently become a topic people are comfortable talking about. The field of psychology has come so far in the quest for understanding what the various mental illnesses are. However, there are still many obstacles to overcome. As society has become increasingly more aware that certain disorders exist, the understanding of the disorders is still lurking in the background. Depression is not just being sad. Bipolar Disorder is not just changing your mind frequently. Anxiety is just as real and serious as everything else. Will we ever fully understand what each and every disorder entails? Probably not and that’s OK. What matters is taking the necessary steps to try to understand who your neighbor is as your neighbor. Through this series of stories, I hope I helped you make a step in the direction of understanding your neighbor through the presentation stories from real life people struggling with a variety of disorders. These people are your sisters, your brothers, your best friend and your family. These people are you and these people are me.
Paul's Story:
Trying to explain what depression is to someone who has never had it is difficult. The view of depression that is portrayed for most people is simply a deep sadness. The word depressed is used to define someone who is in a bad mood or just not happy. This view is not what depression is. Depression is when you have no motivation to get up in the morning. Depression is when you stop enjoying the things that have always brought you joy. Depression is shrugging off work not because you don't want to do it but because you don't care what happens if you don't. It has nothing to do with happiness or sadness; there may be correlation, but not causation. By having the definition of depression corrupted, it makes it even more difficult for those suffering with depression to understand what is happening to them and to know when to reach out for help. I just thought my depressed self was my real self. This thought is dangerous; when you think you are naturally in a state of worthlessness it makes it even harder to find your way out.
Looking back I believe I may have been more depressed than I thought. When I was in high school, I remember having the thought that I was missing something.
This feeling followed me for years. At the time, I just thought I wasn't focused. I was still making good grades, I had successful relationships, and I was generally well off; yet, I always felt something missing. The events in my life enabled me to continue on for a while. After entering college I slowly continued to worsen. My grades began to slip and I was not trying to interact with anybody. It wasn't until I was 21 that I really figured out what was going on. For at least 5 years I had been able to function while depressed. This is because nothing had really pushed me into a deeper depression until then. As all that I had ignored began to come back to me at once I feel deeper into depression. Our money was running low, my grades were getting dangerously low, I lost scholarships, and I had lost contact with my only remaining friends. As I finally began to deeply reflect on how I had gotten to this point I started to get a picture of how I may be depressed. I reached out to counseling with little success. While I was depressed, it was not a causation of my current lifestyle and normal counseling could not help. While it was not the solution for me, I still believe that reaching out to counseling for help is vital to understanding your depression, regardless of if it is the solution. For me, it was not the solution. I found my solution in medicine. My depression was chronic depression. My father has it, and I do as well. It wasn't until I was in his office explaining my issues that I truly learned I had depression. As I told him what was going on, he knew exactly what was going on. Even down to the words I used to describe my experience I mimicked what my father had already told him. When he told me that, I knew this had to be the issue.
Depression slowly makes you pull away from responsibility. It is not because responsibility is hard or stressful, but simply because there is no motivation not to fail. I was told by a professor that if I didn't work harder, I would get a low grade and possibly fail. I simply looked her in the eye and said it didn't bother me. The fact that even when put into what should be a stressful situation I felt nothing makes me see how bad I was. At the time, I didn't care. I never gave it a second thought. This is what can make it difficult to get out of depression. I had no problem living as I was and those who saw me didn't speak up. Eventually my girlfriend did but she didn't get to see how bad things were. She wasn't there when I told a professor I wasn't motivated by failure. She couldn't see my grades. There is no way she could know how bad things were but she was still the only one to suggest help. I believe this is in part to the stigma related to depression.
It seems that for many having any form of mental illness no matter how small is a sign of weakness. The idea that mental illness is preventable and if you have one it is your fault is not only entirely false but incredibly insulting. It causes those who have illnesses like depression to feel shame for something out of their control. This makes seeking help an even bigger task than it already is. When finding motivation to do anything is difficult and finding reasons not to are because of the shame of admitting you have a mental illness combine it forms a mountain that is to high to climb. It took me months before I sought help after realizing I should. It also makes if difficult for those who see depression in you to speak up and suggest help as to them they worry you will be insulted they even suggest it. If I had a bone sticking out of my arm people would be lining up to call an ambulance, yet they hold their tongue when I am clearly depressed. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone if you suspect they need help. I could have gotten years of my life back had someone just planted the idea in my head. The stigma against mental illness in general is a strong cause of my extended time with depression.
For me getting to the point of getting help was the hardest. Once I started admitting I needed help all of a sudden the stigma was lifted because now to others they are a good person for helping someone in need. If they had brought it up before I had asked they thought it may have been "insulting" to suggest. This is very important to understand. Until you are willing to ask for help most people will not offer. Just understanding what was going on with me made things so much easier. As soon as treatment started it was an easy climb out as I had help. It is next to impossible to do alone.
Sticking to recovery is the most important thing. If you let yourself slide you'll never get better. Once you have depression and you have dug that hole the ground is loose. It can easily be dug again quicker than the first time. It is also hard to remember how bad it was and can cause you to think you don't need to keep working on recovery but the hole is still there.
I am still recovering. Every time I go for help I get a little closer to what I feel is normal for me. I have started filling the hole I have dug for myself. I still have a lot to fill but slowly I am getting out.
IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, PLEASE CONTACT SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY.
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255
TWLOHA Text Crisis Hotline: Text “TWLOHA” to 741-741
